00:00.00 nextlevelguypodcast um I'm looking, I'm seeing 0014 seconds. I really hope that I had recorded it at the start because that was a lot of good stuff. um Yes, what's your sharp opinion on the sort of heliomodality side of things? Do you see a reduction of the stigma that men are facing or are we being a bit more open to things now, do you think? 00:25.27 Ermina I think we have moved quite a long way ah from maybe the 90s or before that where it was considered if you get therapy, there's something wrong with you. Like it was sort of the stigma and and the sort of like insane person was really heavy um if you ever mentioned of getting therapy or seeing that. 00:47.38 Ermina a psychologist or a psychiatrist. And obviously now the modalities have exploded. There's so many different modalities that are on offer, which is fantastic because every person is different and different things will work. So things that work for me might not work for you and vice versa. In regards to, um it's very interesting, I have lots of, as I said before, really high performing individuals, guys, and they come to see me, but they tell me in the calendar for work, they put coach. They don't put therapist. 01:25.54 Ermina i 01:26.80 nextlevelguypodcast Yeah, makes sense. 01:27.18 Ermina which Yes, it's interesting, but I have also seen the same ah male clients referring me to other males. but said So there is a movement, there is more of like acceptance and and openness about talking that you've seen a therapist or you know a therapist. So there is much more acceptance, but we're still far away from you know saying like, oh, I'm going to the gym, I'm going to see my therapist, right? That's sort of the same level, because a therapist is just ah you know the gym for the mind. 02:07.15 Ermina and depending what you're trying to achieve will depend on what modality you you focus on, what kind of therapist you see. 02:17.28 nextlevelguypodcast I really like that idea of it being a gym for that. I never thought about it like that because ah because that's a really smart idea of it's like you go to a gym to work this muscle or that muscle and it it opens up that understanding for guys as well. 02:33.01 nextlevelguypodcast um It might actually be worth just doing the the first couple of questions quickly again. um I'm just wondering if they haven't recorded. 02:39.14 Ermina Okay. 02:41.44 nextlevelguypodcast m 02:41.88 Ermina Oh, 02:43.55 nextlevelguypodcast But thank you so much. i Sorry for this. I know it's Friday the 13th. It's IT been wonderful. 02:47.50 Ermina that's fine. 02:49.00 nextlevelguypodcast But if you had to give a quick introduction, you know you're a star. You're changing lives. You're helping so many people. How would you explain who the great is? How how you're being a superstar and helping so many people? 03:03.06 Ermina ah Thank you, that's that's a very flattering intro, I don't know if I'm a superstar at all. um i do I do hope that my ah my work does help people and actually I have seen people change right in front of me, grow and and become a much better version of themselves, um healing from trauma to achieving great goals that they set for themselves. A bit of background by my about me, i I have a degree in psychology and marketing and I was always interested in psychology as a child. I was a refugee so my curiosity about how people ah exposed to trauma deal differently with it, some end up really crumbling and and 03:53.24 Ermina find it difficult to do anything ah or achieve anything, while others sort of, thr not they don't thrive because of it, but they end up sort of doing much better. They're sort of like the resilience is there. I was i was so young, I was 10 years old, I didn't know the difference in the different psychological profiling and so forth. But that's where my curiosity came from when it came to psychology. 04:18.75 Ermina And so I did a bachelor's degree in psychology, loved that part, but it was all about sort of talking therapy, which is, you know, you sit there sort of like Freud, if you think about Freud and talking on, you know, on the couch, which is fantastic, but I felt it didn't give me the tools to help individuals change things. It was good to get them to talk about why they're there, what's brought them there and understand and analyze and try to figure out what happened and why they are where they are at the moment. But then that was it. I felt like that's very stopped. So I went back to studying and I did cognitive behavioral therapy and chemotherapy. 05:04.91 Ermina And I personally benefited from that type of therapy, from studying it. I had like extreme social anxiety and through those tools that I learned, completely changed my life. um So yeah, so now I work with um anybody from like really high performing individuals, a lot of them in like in the finance world, surgeons, and but I also volunteer and I work with NGOs. 05:33.91 Ermina where I help um the volunteers who set up and run refugee camps because that's something that I went through and seeing those people who helped us at that time. um I think they really deserve the support because it can be secondhand trauma, but you have these people healthy and being able to manage this, then more people are going to benefit, right? Those those refugees that they're looking after will but benefit from it. um Yeah, so that's me now. 06:04.79 nextlevelguypodcast because when you do amazing work and mean you just the stuff you put on social media on your website is it's so benefiting the people listening. But how how do we know the difference between you're under a bit of stress compared to actual pressure, to trauma? what What's the dentti identifiers? Do you see the similarities in what guys come to you with? Do you see a kind of output that Guys can see the red flag or is it quite personalized to the person? 06:35.27 Ermina um So there is um there is difference between stress and trauma or anxiety. um Stress is something that's really targeted and short. For example, I'm really stressed because I have a meeting and I need to prepare for it and once the meeting is over the stress levels go down. 06:53.18 nextlevelguypodcast No. 06:53.42 Ermina But like ah anxiety is like this even just general sort of it can be specific anxieties. so It can be like social anxiety. It never goes away when you're in a social setting. It could be anything from one person to like 100. It doesn't matter. ah It never goes away. 07:11.89 Ermina It's always there. And ah trauma usually comes out somewhere, right? um It can come out in you know physical physical health. It can come out to with you know personality and psychological health, ah which impacts our ability to achieve our goals, to maintain relationships, have healthy relationships. 07:38.90 Ermina and so forth. So um yeah, so those those are sort of the main main differences. 07:46.40 nextlevelguypodcast And do you see a kind of a move away now from the kind of, OK, you need you need something. OK, here's some tablets. Are we moving now into that kind of understanding of of actual talking this out and kind of. Being a bit more open, are we kind of understanding that what where we would call a kid stupid in previous generations so that was dyslexia? We you know we're kind of understanding more of these kind of labels and what's causing this. 08:18.29 nextlevelguypodcast Like how does our childhood affect our or our past affect our future? Are we kind of understanding now the link between the two and how does our childhood affect our our present and our ability for the future? 08:23.82 Ermina and 08:32.36 Ermina Great questions. um I'll start with the with the first part, which is about Have you learned? Have you moved a society? And we have. We definitely have. ah Schools these days do a lot of ah activities and sessions with children to teach them about the emotions, to teach them tools, and how to manage really strong emotions, which we didn't ever have before, right? 09:02.53 Ermina So there is a, yeah, so there's a change, there's a move, there's movement. 09:03.52 nextlevelguypodcast Definitely. 09:07.98 Ermina um It's sort of like, part of the curriculum now is to teach sort of like mindfulness and you know Most kids ah you know do sessions of meditation and yoga. It's very like a very common um conversation to have with little kids. So that that really has shifted and has moved before anybody doing yoga or meditation was felt like sort of sort of wudu or something like that. 09:35.33 Ermina It was not taken serious. 09:36.36 nextlevelguypodcast Hmm. 09:36.81 Ermina There was not science behind it as much as it is now to show the benefits for practicing yoga, practicing mindfulness, practicing meditation. 09:48.96 Ermina So that's definitely moved. um The correlation between our past and our current state is huge. Our past really is responsible for who we are right now. So having awareness of our childhood, of our relationships really can shine the light on why we are the way we are. 10:13.88 Ermina what worked but and what didn't work. So it's the whole, you know, nature versus nurture. Are we born like this or does the environment and our way of being brought up um result in who we are? And studies show more and more that it's nurture. You can be, you know, you're born a certain way, but your environment, your upbringing ah will influence and change that. 10:38.51 Ermina epigenetics are like it like exploded on onto the um main mainstream media, which which shows a lot how our ah environment, people we spend time with, really impact who we are. 10:57.50 nextlevelguypodcast Because I was just thinking just now about like how one of my friends had said to me that he'd been called stupid until he'd been told he had dyslexia. But he'd always believed that he was better, so it never kind of fazed him. Whereas when I was younger, I had really bad depression, which which which I know is depression now, but I couldn't understand how other people could be so outgoing and social and I'd be just sitting feeling like it didn't fit in anywhere and I kind of knew something was wrong. But there's probably a lot of guys in that between the two extremes that are now were sitting there going, I think I'm fine. I i don't know. what What do you think? Is there a way that you work with a client to start looking at them and saying, you're doing this, so it's that? Or do you do these kind of traits always leave ah like a marker that something's not right? 11:52.04 Ermina I mean, if, if a client comes to me, um, they usually should come as I say, like with a specific goal or problem. And then through talking, we and analyze the history, um, relationships, and we usually find, you know, the, the, the moment when things changed, um, 12:17.20 Ermina so it's it's very interesting you talked about about depression and so forth but as as a child we as children um Mate Gabor he's a fantastic psychologist and he talks about his whole theories about attachment and security and how that if we don't feel attachment with our caretakers ah people who are primary like mum or dad or um it can be anybody else, but people who primarily take care of us. If our relation with them is not secure, if you don't feel like it's secure, definitely start developing things. 12:55.00 Ermina that are not in line with ourselves. That's when we sort of start numbing ourselves because our survival is so much more important than our survival is also important and that survival depends on the relationship with that kiva. So sometimes we need to be made sort of really small um or really like helpful in order to create that safety. 13:24.77 Ermina which then you you end up um breaking away from your true self. You end up sort of suppressing your own real inner voice and start to create these things sort of like artificially behaving because you think this is what's going to keep you safe because that's the attachment ah in order to create that attachment. 13:48.68 nextlevelguypodcast That makes a lot of sense because ah you're probably getting a lot of people just now nodding their heads going, ah, you know, because we see how we do is unique to the family set up, whereas a lot of times it's just our ability of stay safe. 14:03.71 nextlevelguypodcast You know, it's like our brain is just trying to keep us alive and to fit in because it doesn't want to be kicked out. The community is back in the cavemen days. You'd have been killed if you weren't in a community by Sabretooth Tigers. 14:14.62 Ermina Yeah. 14:16.13 nextlevelguypodcast If you're on your own now in the wilds and 14:16.17 Ermina Yep. 14:19.31 nextlevelguypodcast Is that why we struggle then to put in like healthy boundaries? and A lot of times we just put up with crap from people, we work ourselves out to fit in, to keep people happy. you know how How do we start establishing a, no, I need self-care, I need to be healthy? 14:37.56 nextlevelguypodcast You know, just that when that person comes to you and says I'm physically sick because of the amount I'm working, how do you say, OK, we're putting this block in like a diamond just now to let them start getting healthy? 14:51.25 Ermina i um It's about starting to really tap into yourself. That's why sort of meditation and yoga and any grounding activities like walking or even touching earth and touching you know stone and any of the elements um is really good because it helps us connect to our body. Our mind, as you said rightly, is designed to help us stay alive, survive. So it's like a computer that's always looking at possibilities of things going wrong. 15:24.92 Ermina So whether they're real or imaginative, it doesn't matter. We, our body and our mind reacts to it as if it's real. It's just an example when you watch horror movies, you physiologically react to it, increase heart rate, so deep palms, fear, even though you're sitting on your couch at home. But because the brain is designed to keep us alive, it just doesn't know the difference And also if you were sitting there going, is this a real tiger or not? 15:57.16 Ermina It'll be too late. So your body reacts to those images, right? So is this a real killer or a not? 16:02.06 nextlevelguypodcast Bye. 16:02.87 Ermina No, you're just like, no, you react to it. So it's hardwired, a survival instinct. So that's why it's important. um to be aware that your mind is somewhere else and not in the reality, right? Not at your desk, not at your dinner table, not on your couch or lying, you know, on the grass. And to do that, it's really utilizing your senses. 16:30.71 nextlevelguypodcast And it's not where that five senses thing comes in. So you would see say five things you see, five things you feel, five things you hear, that sort of thing. 16:40.04 Ermina Yes, yes, 100%. 16:40.26 nextlevelguypodcast Because I've i've done that. 16:41.20 Ermina It's full grounding technique, yes. Yes, so it's bringing attention to the here and now. 16:44.61 nextlevelguypodcast OK. 16:48.37 nextlevelguypodcast Yeah, because that really helps, especially if you're hyperventilating before doing like a speech or something. I found that really helps when you're feeling really panicky. 16:54.10 Ermina and 16:56.79 nextlevelguypodcast So how then do you start utilizing CBT hypnotherapy? 16:56.99 Ermina Yes. 17:03.67 nextlevelguypodcast because a lot of people kind of go, oh, no, no, I don't like that. But a lot of them believe every thought that comes in their head, where a lot of times it's your brain just saying, well, you've thought about this, so here's some thoughts about that. Or this is how you think about this, so I'm going to make you think about this person in that way. You know, we're not our thoughts. It's ah kind of like a program generating based on our bias, our experiences, our histories, et cetera. 17:28.61 nextlevelguypodcast How do you start but chipping into that? Because if our relationship with ourself is the most important thing that we should have, we wouldn't let a friend speak to us the way we speak to ourselves a lot of times. 17:41.05 nextlevelguypodcast how How do you start shaping that inner voice to be a friend, not foe? 17:41.30 Ermina Yeah. 17:46.89 Ermina I think that number one is awareness, that you have an inner voice, that that inner voice is not kind towards you, being aware when it happens, and then having simple things that stop that. 18:03.77 Ermina Um, for example, um, you might, I don't know, walk down the street and you trip and your first inner monologue is like, you're so stupid. You always do this. You're so dumb. So first it's like actually realizing that you having that most people don't even realize they do that. It's been there for years. 18:22.89 Ermina that it's just sort of like, oh yeah, people talk badly to themselves. They don't even realize that that it's happening in their head. So that's the first step. So next time I do something but and I'm like, you're so, oh, hang on, why am I speaking to myself? are that That's what I've been doing. That's that bad inner monologue, um treating myself really badly. Because people don't even know what it means treating yourself badly. They don't know what it looks like, what it sounds like, because they're not even aware of it. It's a bit like breathing. It happens automatically. 18:52.63 Ermina So once you become aware, then you go, oh no, what happened? 18:52.66 nextlevelguypodcast No. 18:57.58 Ermina Oh, I just wasn't paying attention and I tripped or um I didn't, you know, I was looking up or I was thinking about something or there's a hole, right? 19:09.05 Ermina I didn't expect it. I'm like, okay, what can I do next? You know, I could better, you know, not be on my phone or actually look more at the floor rather than look up in the sky. 19:20.88 Ermina um So just just changing those things. it's um Actually, I just had a session with my client and we changed her narrative. And she was like, that's so simple. I'm like, yeah, it's not rock and sides. Small little adjustments make a huge difference. But until we become aware and know what the problem is, that's why the talking therapy is really useful and important. The first part and then the second part is about creating that change. 19:51.62 nextlevelguypodcast So in that first part, are you kind of just like feelingline letting them feel out their true self, sort of letting the noise dissipate, you know, kind of dealing with finding their true north, so to speak? And then in the second part, you're adding in that imagery, the the CBT to kind of to shape their habits and the way they're subconscious is working to to start moving them towards their goal. Would that be kind of a good way of looking at it? 20:23.27 Ermina It's that's a really good sort of um summary of it, yes. So first we start with understanding what is the goal or what's the problem um and then through talking we realize what the problem is. 20:39.40 Ermina how do we then we realize how to fix it and then there's a goal usually and that's for example um let's talk about social anxiety a lot of people come and they say i'm just so nervous i hate so i hate socializing i love it but i just also feel so anxious so we're like okay let's be aware like what is going through your mind when you start feeling that it could be something like people are gonna judge me nobody likes me right to be like oh yeah i think yeah i get those thoughts it's sort of ah first identifying and being aware of what happens 21:17.17 Ermina then we replace that with like, oh, be kind to yourself. And then we sort of and in CBT, we also go, um we fact check, like how factual is that statement? 21:30.69 Ermina What's the reality of the situation? People are probably really preoccupied with themselves, thinking everybody else is judging them, right? We're all sitting there like frozen, because we all think they're judging us. 21:42.00 nextlevelguypodcast This guy. Yep. 21:43.76 Ermina Yeah, and it's very common. Then, you know, there's a few different tools that I use with my clients that teach them about internal focus, external focus, and how you can shift between those. And then, ah you know, if they were like, I really want to feel confident and be a certain way in a social setting. 22:02.10 Ermina then we do mental imagery so um I would take them through the process of seeing themselves in that environment um and seeing themselves around really confident people um seeing those confident people come up to them like people that they admire like I don't know Obama or Dalai Lama whatever people that they really ah find have traits they would like to have and um in that exercise they will see each of those individuals come to them and put their hand on their shoulder as they do that those qualities um they take on and then they see themselves with those qualities walking around talking to people or whatever the goal is so that starts shifting 22:47.27 Ermina how we see ourselves and it starts impacting our behavior because most of our behavior is very um ah reactive so it's like a like a reflex right and then we want to keep doing this mental imagery until that new way of behaving becomes like a reflex. 22:59.75 nextlevelguypodcast Hmm. 23:08.89 nextlevelguypodcast I wish I had spoken to you when I was back in the day because the guy I initially spoke to was just, how does that make you feel? You know, we we have these beliefs that therapy is just going to go round and round in a circle and these kind of bit behavioral ah actions actually work. 23:26.06 nextlevelguypodcast And I really like that idea of the the visualization because was it to say that 23:26.65 Ermina Yeah. 23:30.91 nextlevelguypodcast visualised reps are almost as good as reps you would do in the gym. you know your body cant Your brain can't always work between the two, so it it can see one like the other. 23:35.94 Ermina ye Yeah. 23:41.72 nextlevelguypodcast So you can actually get mental reps in as much as the physical. So how 23:45.84 Ermina and 23:46.77 nextlevelguypodcast But you said there about the reaction. A lot of guys are like, yeah, but the second I start trying to change, I self-sabotage. I feel fear. I panic. Because that you know that's your unconscious kind of going, whoa, whoa, whoa. We're breaking our program into your backup. How do you get past that initial fear? Or you know it's like you're changing your core self. 24:10.02 Ermina This is why the mental imagery and hypnotherapy is really good because you do it in your mind and because the mind doesn't know the difference between reality and imagination, it takes it on as a reality. So is is it is as if you were doing that in real life. 24:27.22 Ermina So that becomes much more, so create a new neural pathways, right? So let's say this has been the path you always gone down. Like somebody looks at you and you go down the path of like, oh, they don't like me. They think I'm stupid or whatever. 24:40.23 Ermina And then you're like, no, we're creating a new new pathway and we have this thoughts. We behave like this. When we're in social settings, we think like these, we put the attention out. So you are constantly created. 24:52.22 Ermina Now you start creating a new path. So when you come to that intersection, somebody looks at you, it's easy to go that way because it's, yeah. 25:00.37 nextlevelguypodcast I like that, I like that. 25:03.34 Ermina yeah 25:03.61 nextlevelguypodcast So CBT would shape the but sort of deals with that inner voice the way you're, you know, it kind of starts changing the programming and the hypnotherapy would actually work in conjunction with that to then take you on that new path. 25:19.01 nextlevelguypodcast So how do you work between the two? What's the kind of the split or you know is there something that people listening could start doing as a a little kind of exercise they could do in their own lives? Or do you need to start working with somebody to kind of get into the deeper levels to really make a difference? 25:38.37 Ermina I think that visualization is something that can change anybody's life. And it's about tapping into the emotion. So if you see a photo of something that triggers a good emotion, try to hold on to that and close your eyes and see yourself in a difficult situation, but feeling those emotions. 26:01.61 Ermina and just sit there. so you start so So your mind starts associating that difficult situation with a positive feelings. So when you are in that situation, you're more likely to feel positive and less stressed or feel threatened. um Also, 26:18.56 Ermina what we are exposed to really makes a huge difference how we feel so if you're constantly watching let's say horror movies or like violent movies or just violent violentlet contact ah content um you you're programming yourself, you're programming your brain to think like that but if you're watching inspirational things, happy things you're programming a yourself that way as well so neuroplasticity is great because you know the brain changes but it can change the wrong way as well. 26:50.68 Ermina So being very conscious of what we consume and makes a huge difference. 26:57.53 nextlevelguypodcast It's so obvious when you say it out loud isn't it is what you consume is what you create in your life and I think a lot of guys tend to be the they wouldn't even think about the stuff that we consume on a regular basis and you know it's we're raised as men to be you can't cry you have to be strong dominant disciplined and take everything on your own and 27:04.00 Ermina Yeah. 27:12.19 Ermina Yeah. 27:19.67 Ermina Yeah. 27:21.12 nextlevelguypodcast thankfully we're kind of moving away from that but now we're getting the whole generation of people been calling it woke and liberal and you think why are we raising guys to 27:25.53 Ermina Yeah. 27:33.23 nextlevelguypodcast who are strong but getting crushed, who commit suicide at such an alarming rate. It's terrifying that we're thinking that asking for help is a bad thing and I think that's the worst thing about um the myth that guys get. 27:45.51 Ermina yeah 27:49.41 nextlevelguypodcast Do you see a lot of myths that clients come to you, you know, oh I can't change, I'm too old, um I'm not able to do that. you know Do you see a lot of kind of beliefs about ah healing from guys that you want to eliminate? 28:07.62 Ermina Um, this, I think we all lie to ourselves at some point, right? Sometimes we'll come to therapy because we're like, I'm doing the right thing because I know I have a problem or challenge. So I need to, um, change it. I have, for example, clients who have, uh, addiction problems. 28:30.39 Ermina anything from substance to behavioral, spending money, spending too much time watching TV, gambling, and so forth. And they'll come to me because they want to change, right? 28:42.58 Ermina They want to stop doing that. But they really never intend to stop doing it. They're just doing something to say to themselves, look, I did what I can. 28:50.58 nextlevelguypodcast ah 28:53.03 nextlevelguypodcast yeah 28:53.37 Ermina Right? They never intended to change. So I don't want 28:57.75 nextlevelguypodcast So you can say to their partner they're speaking to somebody but they're not actually wanting to 29:03.33 Ermina Yeah, they don't want to change. So that's the number one thing about therapy is like, If you want to change, you will. If you don't, you won't. um So that's that's number one. In regards to guys specifically coming to see me um and saying like, but there is, you know, I can't change or I want to be a certain way, but I can't because of, you know, my friends and so forth. I i haven't experienced that because I think most of the time those individuals don't seek help. 29:35.08 nextlevelguypodcast ah So by the time they've come to you, they've actually accepted the need to jail. 29:35.59 Ermina thank 29:39.36 nextlevelguypodcast And I think that's what we were talking about earlier is you get to put you it's like the pain point where it has to get painful enough to, put you know, that's why a lot of people stay in jobs till they're fed up or the relationships till they get dumped. 29:39.75 Ermina Yeah. 29:53.68 nextlevelguypodcast You know, they they don't like the relationship, but they don't want to leave it because they're scared and then eventually they get dumped and they're like completely soul crushed. How do you see like mindfulness, meditation, exercise, breath work? 30:02.49 Ermina yeah 30:08.44 nextlevelguypodcast you know Do you see a behavioral traits that you work in conjunction with CBT and hypnotherapy and stuff? Do you introduce these kind of concepts to people to say, let's get these into your habits straight away. 30:22.37 nextlevelguypodcast you know Let's drink a glass of water. Let's get you moving. let's get you you know how How do you start working physically so you help the spiritual on the emotional side as well? 30:32.75 Ermina Yeah, I mean um The mind and the body is closely connected. You can't have one without the other, right? And sometimes, so a lot of the times we we create a blockage. We don't listen to our body. We just sort of just operate from here. But our body tells us a lot. 30:56.42 Ermina that's why movement is so important that's sort of movement is meditation it's grounding which is helping your mind get into your body because where your body is that's where the reality is your mind can be anywhere right now So that's why the connection between the body and the mind is so important. 31:15.95 Ermina And yes, a lot of the times um with my clients, I work and give them sort of homework or tasks to do between sessions, which is go for a walk, take photos of this, um collect these different flowers. 31:30.07 nextlevelguypodcast Thank you. 31:33.50 Ermina I want them to get engaged. I want them to, Also, in like for example, some clients who might get anxiety, I tell them, okay, do something with your hands, you know, clean something, draw something, just to get back to feel yourself. So once again, the psychosomatic connection between the mind and the body. It's very, as I said before, they're very simple things. It's just knowing what to use them and to use them. 32:02.36 nextlevelguypodcast I can see why you're successful because these are great like things i've I've kind of learned by you accident. I'm kind of now saying, whoa, this is why I know that like you bringing out an educational thing for kids would be so helpful. 32:17.67 nextlevelguypodcast Because I think we're not taught how to deal with jealousy comparison. you know We're battered by social media. but You're not good enough. 32:25.17 Ermina And. 32:25.42 nextlevelguypodcast You're not strong enough. you're not pretty enough, whatever it is, male, female. you know We're always taught we're not we're inferior. We need this latest product to be the better than we are. you know There's always something missing, whereas we need to learn we are perfect the way we are. How how then do you know between confidence self-esteem to actually, you know, what's fake and what's real. 32:50.25 nextlevelguypodcast How do you know you're operating from your your true self or your authentic self but if you've never really felt it for so long? 32:54.24 Ermina and 32:59.35 Ermina Yeah, I mean, those are really, really good questions. um So some people have never felt confidence. um Some people have never felt love. And it's when we when I do the exercises, for me, it's very important and for an emotion to be triggered to the right emotion in order for the individual to start visualizing and connect specific things with that emotion. 33:26.14 Ermina um Sometimes, I mean, simple things, like I said, visuals, watching a movie, listening to music can trigger, it triggers emotions, right? So we try to anchor that into into the sessions. Oh my God, I lost my, sorry, what was the other part of the question? 33:45.26 nextlevelguypodcast It's sort of like just how to deal with like, compartison, how to deal with jealousy because, hmm. 33:50.79 Ermina What's the other part of the question? 33:54.82 Ermina right so we there's a positive and negative side to comparing yourself to others if you look at somebody and you're like wow i love how confident they are i love how fit they are i love how you know popular they are That's positive, because you're like, oh, I want to be like that. It's inspirational. That's why we have you know famous people and and leaders, because it helps us see a way of being that we haven't experienced before. But when you start comparing yourself in a sense of like, oh, they're more popular than me, or they're more successful than me, that means that we're going back to the inner monologue. 34:41.30 nextlevelguypodcast Deaf. 34:41.41 Ermina what is what are you saying therefore you're what? So becoming really aware of your inner monologue, what you're saying to yourself and narratives, narratives make a huge difference how things impact us and our um emotions, our confidence. um Also, whether our validation is external or internal. For example, ah external validation is like, well, i have I live in this area, I have this car, I go out to these places. Therefore, I am this type of person, right? But all of these things can be taken away. 35:24.76 Ermina you can lose finances, you can lose the circle of friends, you can you know end up living somewhere else completely. But if you're confident, and this this is what goes back to my interest when I started, like you know be curious about people being exposed to the same, um let's say challenges and completely and they're ending up in different ways, right? 35:53.21 Ermina um it's It's about going like, hang on, all these things that can be taken away from me, they're external validation. i am This is saying to others, this is this is my status, this is who I am. 36:08.48 Ermina But people can take that away. Anything that's internal, that's the real confidence. 36:10.71 nextlevelguypodcast Yeah. 36:15.07 Ermina Anything that people can't take that away, right? you choose We choose how we behave, how we react. You know, i my values are this. I speak with honesty and dignity. I um i am a, um but I don't know, a person who's who likes to support others. I like to, you know, make people happy. I like to improve other people's lives. i but I'm just, you know, I'm the cool, calm, quiet person. This is who I am, right? This is sort of like internal things. 36:52.20 Ermina So that's what is going to make the difference because a person that has really solid confidence, I mean, things around them fall apart. They're still the same person. 37:05.64 nextlevelguypodcast Yeah, it's a good way of looking at it. 37:06.37 Ermina like 37:07.90 nextlevelguypodcast It's like, you know, fakeness is the thing you have. The confidence is what makes you sort of you. But once then, if you're, once if you're the villain of the story, once if you've done something bad, you know, and I interviewed a guy we called the Nordic paddler. 37:23.74 nextlevelguypodcast And that's what he was saying, is that people were, you know, once you're a prisoner, you're a number, you're society. right you know Even though it might not be true and he was saying that sometimes just doing a CV for somebody would be life-changing to them. 37:37.72 nextlevelguypodcast That's the nicest thing somebody had ever done for them was actually taking some time and treating them like a person, not a convict. poems if you are but you know If you have done something bad and never been caught, if you've being that you've upset a partner or like legal to badly behaved socially, whatever it is. How do we come to terms with our past for a better future? Because a lot of guys are struggling just now with, I might have done this, some I might have done that. I had a fight when I was younger and I feel bad that I was like that. I was a drinker. i 38:18.54 nextlevelguypodcast upset my parents, whatever it is. I never came to terms with my parents before they died. How do we deal with that kind of grief that we carry around, especially when we can't be open and vulnerable about it and discuss it? 38:33.45 Ermina um I think number one is forgiveness, forgiving ourselves for not knowing better, right? That's that's all we knew at that moment. 38:45.22 Ermina Even if we knew at the moment it was bad. 38:45.98 nextlevelguypodcast Because I have 38:48.27 Ermina Sorry. 38:48.64 nextlevelguypodcast Oh sorry, I was going to say, I have guys who write to me to tell me, but can't tell a friend. And I find that heartbreaking in a way. 38:53.96 Ermina Yeah. 38:57.20 Ermina Yeah, it it is, it is very, we get isolated and we get, we put labels on people really quickly. I'm all against labels because it puts you into a, into like a hole. Like that's, that's your identity. That's your world. And it's like, we are humans. We're so multi-dimensional. We wear so many hats, right? 39:20.46 Ermina um And number one is forgiveness. Number two, knowing that every second is a new opportunity to do the right thing. You can do the right thing the next second. So nothing is set in stone. Whatever we've done, we've done. You can always be a different person tomorrow or work towards it. 39:46.30 Ermina Nothing is set in stone. You're not defined by something bad you've done. Well, it's it's sort of like if you if you continuously do the same thing and you become aware that this is not good, you can change. 40:02.99 nextlevelguypodcast Yeah. 40:03.13 Ermina ah like 40:03.70 nextlevelguypodcast In a way, you could I was saying to somebody, you could actually use it as a ah way of giving back, you know, like by taking the badness of it and how can you flip it into the good to help other people. 40:04.20 Ermina the 40:15.95 nextlevelguypodcast But I didn't know, was that good advice to give to people or? 40:16.25 Ermina Yeah. 40:20.28 Ermina I mean, if you have learned from your experiences and you don't want other people to make the same mistakes, that's fantastic. You can teach people, you know, young men how important it is to talk, how important friendship is. 40:37.52 Ermina um how you know men usually making fun of each other just shows that them hiding their true feelings it's a way to deflect how they feel and you know it's it just shows that if they had insight into themselves they would never make fun of others for being vulnerable or for being open um and So yeah and just sort of learning that other people's actions are a reflection of them, not you, because I said like every second we choose what we're gonna do, how we're gonna say. We can't choose what emotions we feel but our actions we can. 41:19.28 nextlevelguypodcast So how do, because we're very sort of social animals, you know, we need to be part of a community, a group, etc. How then do we start connecting to people in a ah deeper level rather than this shallow kind of, oh, you've got genes from such and such, oh, you silly, um' I've got a much better brand or whatever, you know, how can guys connect in a not the superficial level that you see a lot of guys doing currently? You know, how do we build deep friendships? 41:49.72 Ermina Yeah, I think it's becoming more and more challenging to do that because of social media, because we are not, you know, interacting such a way. We're socializing through our phone while we're at home alone or at a cafe by ourselves. um So you have to be really proactive. You have to go and join clubs. 42:13.36 Ermina you have to find your passion, challenge yourself through challenges, through challenging ourselves, we grow. And it's the growth mindset if you want to achieve and be like, yeah, join the running club, join the, I don't know, poetry club, join where are other people are going to come, where you can connect. 42:35.73 Ermina And that's how we create connections. And that's, you know, having something that, uh, we have in common, a passion hobby helps us connect. It's just going to be proactive about it. 42:50.11 nextlevelguypodcast like up ah Like, yeah, because you usually have to take the first step. But it's like Steve Kam said, it's that berserker 22nd of confidence. 42:55.60 Ermina Yeah. 42:59.90 nextlevelguypodcast You know just have that rage of confidence to sign up, and it can be life changing. 43:03.88 Ermina the 43:04.58 nextlevelguypodcast But a lot of people are terrified, and it's that just overcome that little initial fear, and it can change your entire life. 43:10.04 Ermina Yeah. 43:12.16 nextlevelguypodcast So if we had to serve some this up, because I know we're tight for time, but mean 43:13.41 Ermina Yeah. 43:17.51 nextlevelguypodcast I think we're just getting into it. I'd love to have your back on and kind of go into the deeper areas. I'm trying not to go down rabbit holes and personal issues and stuff, but if somebody, I mean, what would you say to somebody to kind of say to them, like, 43:23.47 Ermina No, no, it's natural. Sorry. 43:33.42 nextlevelguypodcast this is what I want you to do. If I had you to come back in a month and listen to this again, this is how I'd like you to do. Have you got have you got like a kind of an exercise anybody listening could do is to, apart from signing up to work for yourself, how would you get them to come back and say that's your homework, you did an amazing job. Is it start setting boundaries? Is it confronting the boss? Is it taking one step a day just to kind of tap into your values, you know, write them out and then start trying to live more by them. How do we kind of start incorporating CBT, hypnotherapy, working with a therapist into our lives? You know, how do we pick a good therapist? How do we, you know, how how do we take this forward as a useful tool? 44:26.32 Ermina So I think it just it depends on the individual, where they're at, what their challenges are, what they want to achieve. um It's difficult to have like an overarching sort of advice or exercise to do. um I think if you feel stuck, no, you're not learning. 44:48.76 Ermina A lot of the time we feel stuck because we have no fuel, like our fuel is empty. Through learning, we get much more um life and more energy. So learn something new, do something. um you know That's fine, for example, for people who have the energy to to get out of bed and go to work and so forth. But the people who are like really struggling to get out of bed, 45:18.74 Ermina Do you one task at a time. set Put three things for yourself to achieve today, only three. but that that's Brush your teeth, make your bed, walk out of the house. 45:34.46 Ermina there's ah there's it like Just start there. um Three things a day, every time, a further step. 45:44.28 Ermina um 45:44.77 nextlevelguypodcast There was a an admiral that said that, you know, make your bed because at least that's, if that's your only goal, you've achieved it. 45:44.89 Ermina and you know um 45:51.88 nextlevelguypodcast Whatever you do in the rest of the day is a success. 45:52.16 Ermina Yeah. and Exactly. But even just brushing your teeth, some individuals struggle with that because they don't have the drive. They don't have the energy because they have all these things in their mind that they think they need to do. But if they break it down to small things, that feels much more achievable. Then it doesn't feel overwhelming. 46:18.58 Ermina Yeah. 46:18.84 nextlevelguypodcast And how do you think you've changed as a person? you know Because you've you were mentioning there about being a refugee when you were younger. You're now helping CEOs, actors. you know You're changing lives on the street. You're dealing with people at such deep, deep levels. If you had to look back now, does do you see yourself then? do you how How do you think your own growth has happened? Do you think you've become a better therapist now because you've been on that journey? But how do you kind of make peace with your own journey to keep helping clients? 46:55.66 Ermina I mean, I think my work, I feel very honored and privileged to be able to have discussions with people and look inside their world. 47:09.63 Ermina And when we have that opportunity to look in some into somebody's world, we realize a lot of the things that we're not the only ones. We're not the only ones who go through these things, through these challenges. 47:19.63 nextlevelguypodcast Hm. 47:23.04 Ermina We also are like, seeing people change for me when I when I'm struggling I just sort of go okay well that's today tomorrow is a new day before it would have been like I must achieve this and this and I would be so hard on myself um you know and it would just block me even more from achieving what I wanted to achieve um I have become very aware. And just because you're aware, there's a mean things have changed, right? There's a difference with becoming aware and then being able to to change, to make the change. And even as a therapist, there's a lot of things that I know. 48:08.01 Ermina would like to change, right? So it's a continuous journey. I and don't see any more that I must achieve this goal, because continuously, hopefully, I would want to grow and change. um So that's the difference. I don't have timelines put on me anymore. And I think that's a society thing as well. You got to finish university at a certain point, you got to have this much experience, you got to, I don't know, 48:38.30 Ermina uh, be, you know, in a certain, um, relationship status, but this age and so forth, like these are all external. Like, um, goals. And I have learned that it all starts within and it's, it's a continuous journey. If you don't, I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring. Right. 48:59.83 nextlevelguypodcast And that's actually sometimes the the best part of it. you know You're no longer focused or controlling everything. And do you think that's how somebody listening knows they're on the right path, that they no longer they just shed off this extra noise and weight? 49:06.38 Ermina Yeah. 49:16.03 nextlevelguypodcast They don't really notice it. They just feel more content in themselves. Is that a good indicator of you're on the right path, you're progressing, you don't need to measure data, youre you just feel happier and healthier? 49:31.15 Ermina I love that. I love that you said you feel more content. You didn't go, you feel more happy because happiness is fleeting. What I focus on and I try to get my clients to focus on is the internal calmness, the peace. 49:39.42 nextlevelguypodcast Yeah. 49:48.90 Ermina Because then you can really live to the fullest because you can be you. but when we don't have peace, um we're usually running away from something. And yes, we might be happy here and there, but happiness is not the goal. Happiness is sort of like fear at the same level, it burns energy. You can't be always happy. It's it's sort of the same um level of intensity, right? So being calm, I would say should be, it's a great goal to have in life. 50:24.82 nextlevelguypodcast I love that. 50:25.09 Ermina And yeah, I agree with that when you're sort of probably on the right path. 50:31.27 nextlevelguypodcast so good i love I love how simple you can make it, and but it so up it's so like gets to the vein of the problem. I wish I'd used a therapist when I was younger, because you make it so you make it so easy. 50:42.50 Ermina yeah 50:44.44 nextlevelguypodcast Are you taking clients on currently? 50:47.92 Ermina Yes, I am. um I am doing that. I am obviously taking time off during the ah Christmas and New Years. But yeah, I do have some openings and I am working on some other projects, more group things to help sort of share this and spread a word on a larger scale. So that's something that's in the works as well. 51:14.60 nextlevelguypodcast I'd love to see some information products, some TED talks. I think i would love to have you back on because I think we're just sort of touching the surface on a lot of this stuff. 51:21.01 Ermina Love to be back. 51:22.18 nextlevelguypodcast and And there's so many rabbit holes I'm trying to avoid going down. 51:23.93 Ermina Yeah, thank one step at a time. 51:26.17 nextlevelguypodcast But what would you want people to take from this? you know it Is it kind of a summary or ah just a thing to remember from this? What would you want them to to take from it? 51:41.30 Ermina Like every day, just one step at a time. and Don't rush, don't run. um as long as it As long as you're moving forward, that's all that matters. And yeah, be really aware of your inner monologue, which is how you're treating yourself. 51:59.97 Ermina I mean, that's more than one, but the other one I would say, be really aware of what you're consuming visually and also um sound wise audio. 52:12.93 nextlevelguypodcast And how can people keep in touch? 52:13.01 Ermina Sorry. 52:14.45 nextlevelguypodcast you know How can we you know just follow along with this amazing journey? How can we get in touch? How can we sign up to interest of working with you? How can we find your websites, your social media, et cetera? 52:28.25 Ermina Yeah, so you can reach me on my website, I have a website that's, it's mental imagery, therapy dot.com. um So you can get, you know, send me an email and we can go from there. I don't have any socials at the moment, so it's a work in progress. I am, I have waited for a long time not to do it, and but it's it's ah something that I'm working the background that needs a lot of sort of designing. 53:06.89 nextlevelguypodcast i'll hit stop 53:29.69 nextlevelguypodcast Well, I'll hit stop.