00:00:00.00 nextlevelguypodcast Instagram, honestly, is one of the the best things i I've looked at big because I really love how I can look at your Instagram and think I'm not as bad as some of these guys. 00:00:00.98 Dating Coach Erika Thank you. Oh my god, I appreciate that. Thank you. 00:00:11.57 nextlevelguypodcast The guy that mentioned. 00:00:11.52 Dating Coach Erika Well, I know it gives people comfort in that way. I feel like it's partly entertainment, partly educational. Yeah, both of those things. Partly to feel like you're you're not alone. 00:00:22.24 nextlevelguypodcast Well, it's like the guy who mentioned he's circumcised in his profile, I thought, 00:00:25.42 Dating Coach Erika I can't, I can't handle it. 00:00:26.16 nextlevelguypodcast o 00:00:27.38 Dating Coach Erika Okay, the last thing we want to picture, well, you understand. anyway 00:00:30.54 nextlevelguypodcast the yeah Because that's the thing. I mean, I went to a job interview today is probably why I look like a public school boy. And I thought we can market ourselves in these interviews, you know, and we can talk about our experience, our history, but we can't talk about our dating or ourselves to put a lifelong partner that's going to give us happiness. 00:00:42.07 Dating Coach Erika yeah 00:00:49.71 nextlevelguypodcast Where do you see guys going wrong? How how do you think we struggle in that sense? 00:00:54.39 Dating Coach Erika Do you mean in the online or just in general? 00:00:58.09 nextlevelguypodcast in in general I think it'd be a podcast of its own but i mean for for both then where do you see guys struggle in the dating life when they come to you? Is there similarity in what they say? 00:01:08.73 Dating Coach Erika Yeah, I mean I think everyone struggles, not just men, but I think men in particular struggle with, like you said, how do you market yourself? in such a way that isn't braggy, but shows who you are. Because nobody wants to read, I'm amazing. I'm wonderful. I did this, this, and this. and Because you think to yourself, ew, you're such a braggart. But there are ways to get across who you are that don't say, I am amazing. you know and And it's finding that, and I could say that for anyone actually, not just men, but it's finding that middle ground between showing who you are, but not 00:01:44.31 Dating Coach Erika um not like beating someone over the head with it. And so also, I mean, I mean, you see the profiles I post, many men make the mistake of sometimes I wonder if they're trying to impress other men and they're actually searching for women. 00:01:59.84 Dating Coach Erika because like women don't want to talk. You definitely don't want to hear things about your body parts. Um, definitely don't want to see pictures of your slimy fish. Don't want to see your progress pictures from the gym. Don't want to see your shirtless selfies. And I wonder if sometimes if they're asking their guy friends for advice and the guys are like, yeah, yeah, it looks good because that's not their target market. 00:02:24.08 Dating Coach Erika All women want to see is who's going to show up on the date. We want to see you looking happy. We want to see you in clothing. And we want to see a few things about you that make sure that you sound like you're level-headed, can write a complete sentence, and would be reliable and show up on a date. 00:02:41.32 nextlevelguypodcast I'll be right back. I have to change a lot of things on my profile just now. 00:02:44.43 Dating Coach Erika I knew it. Are we going to go through your profile today? 00:02:48.18 nextlevelguypodcast Oh, and well, I'll happily show you, man. What I used to do was, because I would take the pictures, I would never had any good pictures of myself. I always looked like a serial killer in the side of pictures or that weirdo. 00:02:55.98 Dating Coach Erika Okay. 00:02:59.73 nextlevelguypodcast And suddenly, when I was like, pick six of your best, I was like, I barely have six pictures of me. Never mind six of the best. And, you know, everybody he comes out looking like a model. I look like Shrek from The Goodies. 00:03:12.93 nextlevelguypodcast and you know 00:03:13.88 Dating Coach Erika Okay, trust me, no one's coming out looking like a model their first shot. So like for pictures, you know, the first picture should be just a nice clear shot of you smiling who is actually going to show up on the date. um Some women do like to see that you have a social life or have friends. So I don't recommend posting a picture with a million friends because we can't figure out who you are. And inevitably, one of your friends is going to be someone else's type. 00:03:36.90 Dating Coach Erika And so I generally recommend either cropping or zooming into the point where you can't really see the faces of the other people, but it shows that you do things. A red flag for a lot of women is, are they all selfies? Are they all at home selfies? Are they all taken the same day? That indicates, do you have friends? Do you have any other people in your life? What are you actually doing with yourself? So you just need a little bit of variety in there. 00:04:03.75 nextlevelguypodcast So how would you start then? So say somebody has been single, they come out of divorce, um they've had no game. 00:04:09.05 Dating Coach Erika yep 00:04:12.23 Dating Coach Erika here 00:04:12.98 nextlevelguypodcast um 00:04:13.61 Dating Coach Erika You're not putting yourself down, by the way. 00:04:13.82 nextlevelguypodcast How would you start? 00:04:16.61 Dating Coach Erika I think you look great. You sound great. But them if you tell me that you're not great, I'm going to believe you. And so every time you put yourself down, I think less of you. 00:04:27.29 Dating Coach Erika just f y i And I get that self-deprecation is a type of humor. It's not my type of humor. And I understand what you're doing. 00:04:33.50 nextlevelguypodcast Yeah. 00:04:33.73 Dating Coach Erika I get it. But I think you look great. 00:04:37.41 nextlevelguypodcast Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Because that's the thing I found was I spent so long building up the podcast, building up the brand, building up the, I moved away from the social side of things. And then suddenly when all your friends were single and you were going out and meeting people, suddenly you're like, who am I? You're married with kids. You're not doing this. You're doing that. You moved away. And we used to meet people through friends of friends. 00:05:03.40 nextlevelguypodcast How do we start this again when we're not using recommendations from friends but we're actually having to rely on here's me pick me compared to thousands of other guys. 00:05:03.48 Dating Coach Erika yeah 00:05:13.39 Dating Coach Erika Right. Right. I mean, there's no one right way to meet people. I just want everyone to use the tools that are available to them and not just use the tools, but use them well. So what are those tools? Some of those tools are obviously online dating sites. OK, so you put yourself on one or two apps. 00:05:34.25 Dating Coach Erika um Other tools are events you can go to in person. Maybe you can find a speed dating event in your area or some sort of singles mixer or a meetup on a topic you already enjoy so that way if you go You're going to have a good time regardless and if you meet someone, great. But I can't sugarcoat the fact that meeting someone takes work. I think where people really get in trouble is they think someone's going to fall out of the sky and it's easy and it's not easy. I mean, you just said you were at a job interview, right? It probably took work for you to put together a resume and a cover letter and even find this company. 00:06:10.76 Dating Coach Erika and then submit your information to that company. Then they had to like you enough to want to call you into an interview. And then you had to go, you had to get dressed and then you had to go to an interview and then you had to talk about yourself. And maybe you didn't even like them. Maybe they didn't like you. Maybe you loved each other. I don't know. But that takes a certain level of work. 00:06:27.35 Dating Coach Erika And that same level of work should be put into dating. And that's where there's sort of a mismatch where people think other things in life that are important to them require or they should put in that time and energy. Whereas dating should just come, it shouldn't come easily. Choosing a partner is hard. And so I recommend, you know, really devoting some time. Maybe that's 30 minutes to online dating every day. Maybe that's three events of some kind per month. 00:06:54.32 Dating Coach Erika It's probably going to cost you some money too. Like most things in life that are important cost money. That's okay. 00:07:00.69 nextlevelguypodcast Bye. 00:07:00.57 Dating Coach Erika You know, people spend more on their coffee every morning and yet refuse to pay for some of the dating app upgrades that could actually help you find a partner. That to me is crazy. 00:07:11.32 nextlevelguypodcast So how would you balance that then? Say if you know you'll get people who come and say, oh, I'm too busy today, I'm too old today, et cetera. And like you're saying it, it could become a system. 00:07:21.38 nextlevelguypodcast It could be something as simple as 30 minutes checking your messages, replying, typing. 00:07:25.97 Dating Coach Erika yeah 00:07:28.01 nextlevelguypodcast How then do you balance that? but Because I've heard you've mentioned in other interviews about three events a month where you go and meet people in real life. 00:07:34.62 Dating Coach Erika Yeah. 00:07:36.76 nextlevelguypodcast Is that still the same you would go with versus the use of apps? 00:07:36.78 Dating Coach Erika Yeah. I would do both. So they're not mutually exclusive. It's not like there's no It's not like do apps or don't do apps, do events or don't. You can put yourself out there in many different ways. Yeah, no, I know people all the time say, I'm too busy for this, I'm too old, I'm too young, I'm too... this oh I do think those are so um mostly defense mechanisms because if you never put yourself out there, you can't fail, right? So if you say, well, I'm too busy anyway, then if you don't meet someone, it's like, well, I was too busy. 00:08:13.92 Dating Coach Erika or you can make up any story in your mind, like, oh, well, it's because this is my age and nobody wants me. Well, that's not true. I've worked with people of all ages. There's someone out there looking for you, ah but it takes work to find that person. And so if someone comes to me and says, it's my city or it's my age or it's my this, I have to be the meanie to say, well, actually I hate saying that, but I have to go, everyone says that. 00:08:43.41 Dating Coach Erika You know, and it's I know I get annoying. 00:08:43.92 nextlevelguypodcast There. 00:08:45.17 Dating Coach Erika I can really annoy people when I say, you know, everyone says it's their city. Everyone likes to assign blame to something. When in reality, hard work does pay off. 00:08:55.84 nextlevelguypodcast So do you see a change like from culture to culture, age group to age group at all? Or is it more the the personal story and the emotion we attach to our particular problem that we we see such an end of the world where somebody might find it endearing, but we're blocking our own way because we believe we're unlovable, unlikable. Whereas there is somebody that is into that or would find that attractive. 00:09:21.87 Dating Coach Erika Yeah, i think I think you nailed it. I think we all have a thing. I call it a perceived flaw. We all have things that are perceived flaws to somebody. And I say perceived because they're not actually flaws. Like, I'm five foot one. I don't know what that is in centimeters. That could be a perceived flaw to somebody that I'm so short, right? But to somebody else, that could be the perfect height. You know what I mean? It could be a perceived flaw that you work in a certain industry that someone might not want someone who works night times, whereas someone else might love someone who works at night because it really fits into their schedule. And so a lot of lot of life is how you frame it. So if you go out saying, ugh, I know I work at night. It's not ideal. Like I said to you earlier, you put yourself down. Sorry to call you out. Like, I will agree with you if you tell me you're right. It's not ideal. 00:10:15.60 Dating Coach Erika Or you could come out and say, I work at night. It's the best of both worlds. I get to sleep in. I get to do what I want during the day. And then I, I get my work out of the way at night. I'd be like, Oh yeah, that's cool. People are so malleable, right? They'll think whatever you want them to think. And so I do believe that we have a lot of limiting beliefs. I'm not sure if that's what you just asked, but, but I think I think you're right. Now, I can't know every culture, right? I live in America. I have never lived, I mean, I've traveled a lot, but I haven't lived everywhere, obviously. I find that dating is pretty much this, here, every place has its quirks. You know, every place has a like, ah I won't travel past this place to go somewhere, or that's a little outside my range, or there's too much traffic there, or people from this city are blank, right? But on the whole, 00:11:07.89 Dating Coach Erika People are people, and I find that in any place in the world, I find similarities in terms of what people are looking for, what people are attracted to. People are people. 00:11:19.44 nextlevelguypodcast So how have you seen things change? Because mean you've you've talked about how you're using JDate and like all these sorts of apps. And when we first started, it was like much. 00:11:30.01 nextlevelguypodcast And was it plenty of fish? I think I remember being on that. 00:11:33.38 Dating Coach Erika yeah i 00:11:35.12 nextlevelguypodcast Oh, I remember those. 00:11:35.12 Dating Coach Erika yeah e harmony was out there 00:11:38.37 nextlevelguypodcast and it was like The prompts were amazing. People thought they were the best things. It's light spread. And now we're using apps. 00:11:43.21 Dating Coach Erika Oh my God, he has that old man. um i't I hope he's alive. um The guy who founded eHarmony, he used to be on all of the commercials. 00:11:52.87 nextlevelguypodcast There's that guy that you you'd always see them. They'd always be all about like, I'm on 50 dates a minute. And you're like, well, why why are you advertising that? Would you not keep that as your goal bound? But how have you seen this from like our grandpa's ages through onwards? 00:12:02.77 Dating Coach Erika Right, right. 00:12:08.53 nextlevelguypodcast like How is attraction dating? Because it's gone from you know you'll meet at the diner and have a smoothie together to I'll i'll flick through 400 people while I'm waiting to get a cashier, a check out. 00:12:16.24 Dating Coach Erika a 00:12:22.66 nextlevelguypodcast How do you think it's changed in our attitudes to dating? 00:12:22.73 Dating Coach Erika yeah 00:12:25.70 nextlevelguypodcast or Have we got the point of instant gratification? If we're not getting exactly a date and attraction, that's it. We're moving on. 00:12:33.50 Dating Coach Erika Yeah Yeah, I think dating is a lot hard it's easier to meet people these days like people are more accessible to us But it's much harder now too because there are so many options. So like you said um in our parents' generation, our grandparents' generation. like My parents lived in the same apartment building. That's how they met. That's how a lot of people met. Work, friends, proximity. Now, yes, people want instant gratification. That's why the apps like Bumble or Hinge are so popular, because people are attached to their phones anyway. And so they can do everything they want at the swipe. But because there are more people on the apps, I don't think we know anyone who's single who hasn't tried a dating app. 00:13:17.30 Dating Coach Erika it's easier to dismiss people or treat them like commodities because there's always another person around the corner. And that is certainly frustrating. And part of what I do in my coaching is, you know, if you go on a first date with someone and it's okay, not great, not terrible, give them another try. You have nothing to lose except another hour out of your life. Because this is a real person who probably has some value they can bring to your life. And if we dismiss everyone based on an hour snapshot, 00:13:45.20 Dating Coach Erika then I don't think anyone would mean anyone because that's just not truly representative of who somebody could be. So yeah, I think dating is a lot more difficult now. It's easier because we have access to more people, but it's more difficult to find that connection because people are quicker to judge and quicker to dismiss. And that's frustrating. And when you can see everyone in a catalog like like the menu probably don't have the Cheesecake Factory, like the Cheesecake Factory menu. And you see everyone just lined up next to each other. Who's not gonna wanna pick the shiniest thing? 00:14:18.30 nextlevelguypodcast Now, I mean, because I've seen people go the two styles. It's either, oh, it's amazing. There's so many people in this app and to choose from. 00:14:27.20 Dating Coach Erika Mm-hmm. 00:14:27.38 nextlevelguypodcast And other people will say, oh, there's so many people on here. I'll be single forever, you know because I'm not getting any likes. So they they see it through their own perceived bias. They see it with their own lens of, And it's infuriating, and i I've been both sides of that. 00:14:41.57 nextlevelguypodcast When I was younger, I would be getting dates all the time, and I would be like, brilliant, all these new people. 00:14:41.92 Dating Coach Erika Yeah. 00:14:47.12 nextlevelguypodcast And the stories you tell yourself is for probably prevent us. 00:14:47.06 Dating Coach Erika Yep. Oh, that's your reality. Absolutely. Like you were saying earlier, someone says I'm too old to date. Then yeah, you have now told yourself that story and you will find every piece of data to support your hypothesis. You know, that's just in statistics. You can turn the data into anything you want to support whatever story you want. So yeah, you'll, you'll keep finding things to support that, but you could say the exact opposite. I'm the perfect age or everyone's looking, you know, I, this is, it's funny how you carry yourself, whatever thoughts you put in your head. I remember in college, I would sometimes, I mean, this sounds conceited fine, but I would sometimes walk around 00:15:28.79 Dating Coach Erika Just just for practice and be like Everyone loves me. Everyone wants to talk to me. I am amazing whatever, you know, you just talked yourself into things and I People do treat you differently when you carry yourself differently Yeah, talk the talk walk the walk it really makes a difference I mean there's studies smiling actually makes you happier not that you smile because you're happy I mean that happens too, but the act of even like this is 00:15:42.84 nextlevelguypodcast it's like act as if you know that positive reaffirmation of 00:15:56.78 Dating Coach Erika I'm proud we have here now. I mean, I'm a very happy person regardless, but you know what I mean. 00:16:01.30 nextlevelguypodcast I remember reading somewhere that if you're walking along and you're finding yourself like ruminating and thinking about your past, you'll find yourself looking down. So if you want to get out, if you want to get out of that, you have to look you look to the horizon because you can't activate that part of your brain by looking down. 00:16:09.34 Dating Coach Erika Huh. 00:16:16.54 nextlevelguypodcast And it's all these amazing things that come into your head. 00:16:17.13 Dating Coach Erika ah 00:16:19.34 nextlevelguypodcast let's see the I go, oh, I'm going to be smiling a lot more 00:16:20.10 Dating Coach Erika I love 00:16:23.85 nextlevelguypodcast you how 00:16:24.32 Dating Coach Erika that. 00:16:25.61 nextlevelguypodcast How do we switch then into believing we can date multiple people? Because I used to get one person, we're chatting, we'll go on the date, if it's successful, brilliant, if it's not, okay, next person. 00:16:38.03 nextlevelguypodcast I found this whole multiple dates and 00:16:38.24 Dating Coach Erika but 00:16:42.34 nextlevelguypodcast i don't know I found it a bit weird because I was so used to just chatting up somebody, progressing to date, relationship on. I can't get into this modern way of dating, but maybe maybe that's a block I put on myself. 00:16:53.30 Dating Coach Erika You don't have to. 00:16:56.60 nextlevelguypodcast How then do we switch to that? 00:16:57.04 Dating Coach Erika You don't have to date multiple people if you don't want to. My philosophy is date whoever you want until you you decide who you want to be exclusive with. But if you feel more comfortable or you simply can't fit more into your schedule, date one person at a time. I just want to make sure that if you choose to only date one person at a time It doesn't somehow amplify the seriousness in your mind. So let's say you've been on two dates with someone. You have really zero desire to be seeking someone else out because you want to explore this and see where it goes. That does not mean you are in an exclusive relationship with this person just because you've chosen 00:17:39.51 Dating Coach Erika did not date other people. Does that make sense? That's why I usually encourage people to date more than one person at a time in the early stages so they don't get so laser focused on the person they're dating that they think it means something more than it does at the early stage. 00:17:54.75 nextlevelguypodcast Does that link into the dating NATO, like you're not attached to the outcome that you've you've talked about? 00:17:59.95 Dating Coach Erika Yeah, sort of. So dating NATO, not attached to outcome, is something I came up with because I noticed that people put a lot of pressure on themselves, particularly on first dates. Could this be my person? Could this be my future spouse? Could this be the parent to my child? There's a lot of pressure to put on some stranger having like, you know, a whiskey next to you, right? So rather, even though you might have a desired outcome in mind, your outcome might be a long-term relationship. I don't want you putting that kind of pressure on yourself or the stranger next to you to fit that 00:18:39.87 Dating Coach Erika Because basically at that point you're backfilling this person into what you want. Instead, rather you start at point A, just see if you like this person. See if you have a conversation. See if you have any rapport. 00:18:51.65 Dating Coach Erika See how they might fit into your life. It might not be for what you ultimately want, relationship wise, but it could be a friend. It could be a business, you know, contact. It could be anything. So if we sort of separate ourselves from our desired outcome, we can be much more present on the date and it sort of frees us. It frees us of stress and pressure and figuring things out. All you need to figure out on a first date is if you want to go on a second date, that's it. 00:19:18.64 nextlevelguypodcast I love that because I remember going in thinking, did she like me? Did I not? And I would sometimes get a text. 00:19:24.34 Dating Coach Erika I mean, who doesn't think that way? We're human. I mean, of course. 00:19:28.66 nextlevelguypodcast But i mean do you do you work with a client in the sense that they have to be ready and willing to date? Or do you do you work with them in terms of self-care, dealing with whatever drama that they're holding on to? 00:19:41.12 Dating Coach Erika the 00:19:42.09 nextlevelguypodcast Do you get into the person and helping them in that assistance? Or do you think they have to be ready to date to really be effective? 00:19:51.20 Dating Coach Erika Um, I don't really hope in that way. I'm not a therapist. I don't go into past relationships with clients. I certainly don't go into trauma or anything, but if as I'm working, most people, 95% of people who come to me at least think they're ready to date. 00:20:09.58 nextlevelguypodcast Yeah. 00:20:09.55 Dating Coach Erika and So I'm starting at the current like I'm starting here now and moving forward now if I see something getting in your way That maybe is it something from the past? I'm certainly gonna address that like I was working with someone this morning who let's hope she's actually not listening because I'm gonna I won't say who she is But I took notes because I was getting so annoyed. Um, she was dismissing men for the most ludicrous reasons under the sun. 00:20:39.98 Dating Coach Erika Like she was like, he does yoga. Ew, I would never go out with a guy who does yoga. And I'm like, where is this coming from? 00:20:47.21 nextlevelguypodcast There. 00:20:47.33 Dating Coach Erika Something clearly happened here. And she's like, it's not masculine. And I said, I know plenty of masculine men who do yoga and they are the strongest people I have ever met. 00:20:55.87 nextlevelguypodcast Now. 00:20:58.19 Dating Coach Erika What happened? She's like, well, I went out with this guy once and then I'm like, oh, so it was one, one experience that you had that you've now attributed to every man who does yoga. And it kept happening. She's like, I would never date a man with a cat. And I said, what's wrong with cats now? Well, I dated a guy with a cat once and the cat threw up in my shoe. And I said, sounds like a bad cat, like not the guy's fault. 00:21:24.50 Dating Coach Erika You know, when it kept, I wrote this all down. What did she say? I don't want anyone who's on social, media well, everyone's on social media. Like you, oh, another one. I really hope she's not listening because I'll be in trouble, but she's like, I would never go out with someone who wears a matching pajama set. 00:21:41.22 nextlevelguypodcast You've eliminated basically the entire mon- 00:21:41.10 Dating Coach Erika And I'm like, right. And I had to say to her, Do you actually want to meet somebody? And I said, because it's OK if you don't. 00:21:51.81 Dating Coach Erika You don't have to force yourself to meet someone if you don't want to. And she's like, yes, I do. Then I said, we have to figure out what's going on here. And it's funny. I ended our session. It was a singular session this morning. 00:22:02.76 Dating Coach Erika And I ended it saying, i I understand that you probably don't want to speak to me again, because I was really hard on you. Because I told her she was being a little ridiculous. 00:22:12.07 nextlevelguypodcast No. 00:22:12.15 Dating Coach Erika And interestingly enough, she said, no, I probably needed it. and she She signed up for four more sessions, like five minutes later. So I don't go into past stuff. I don't figure out why you are the way you are. But if it comes up in our present, then I'll ask about it. 00:22:31.11 nextlevelguypodcast Because I think that's why you're so successful, because you don't only just demo the conversation, obviously take it out with the personal details, but you give it frank, honest, and you cut through the bullshit. 00:22:39.47 Dating Coach Erika Sure. Yeah. 00:22:45.27 nextlevelguypodcast You cut through that. 00:22:45.76 Dating Coach Erika I try to do that first. 00:22:47.53 nextlevelguypodcast ah And I think that's what a lot of people need is we put these stories and she said this and what does this mean? But and you're like, just ask them, you know, you, you let people, you don't get let us off with the stories we tell ourselves about. Oh, it's their fault, this fault, because some of the stuff you see is horrendous. But I love that you're showcasing it to us to say, 00:23:10.55 nextlevelguypodcast this is what girls think about you, this is what this shows you as. 00:23:14.12 Dating Coach Erika yeah 00:23:15.55 nextlevelguypodcast You work with a lot of women, what's the pet peeves that they come to you about guys? Do you see, I know you could probably do a podcast this alone, but do you see like so the standard things? 00:23:21.37 Dating Coach Erika Hmm. I probably could. 00:23:26.70 nextlevelguypodcast Is there things that you you would just say to all men listening, stop doing X, do Y, or 00:23:31.41 Dating Coach Erika Yes. All men listening, stop sending a daily good morning text. before you know somebody. Please stop. It's horrible. Stop asking people, how's it going? How's your day? How you doing? How is your week shaping up? How is this week treating you? You don't care. We don't care. Make actual conversation on an actual topic. Yes, I would love for all men to be. Okay, now I know we're being a little heteronormative here, but in this situation, we are talking about men dating, mostly men dating women, but in general, 00:24:07.54 Dating Coach Erika I would say for men, be more decisive. Ask someone out and mean it. Don't be a wishy washy. Hey, we should grab a drink sometime. How about it would be great to get to know you over a drink. When are you available? That is so much better than a wishy washy. And I understand that, sorry, I'm getting fired up. I understand that people are wishy washy sometimes. 00:24:31.33 Dating Coach Erika because it softens the glow of a rejection. If I sort of ask her halfway to go out, if I sort of say we should grab drinks, if she says no, it's like well at least I didn't ask her um ask her on the date. Okay, I'd rather you get a real no or a real yes than you asking wishy-washy, her being annoyed because you didn't really ask, and then everyone being confused as to whether this is a date or not. 00:24:58.98 nextlevelguypodcast Yeah, because I'm thinking how many guys just now are are trying to think, well, I don't want to be too forward because she'll read this or that into it. And all she reads into that is, you're obviously not that interested in me. 00:25:07.91 Dating Coach Erika I'm interested. 00:25:09.57 nextlevelguypodcast Bye. 00:25:09.52 Dating Coach Erika Right? What do you do? If you're not interested, so be it. But I would so much rather a guy say to a woman, like, I'd love to, you know, to to take you out for a drink or ask you on a date. 00:25:20.80 Dating Coach Erika I mean, heck, use the word date. Um, it's just, I get that people are afraid of it, but there's nothing to be afraid of. It's a date. You're not asking for a marriage proposal. 00:25:30.76 nextlevelguypodcast Because I found you on Instagram originally, and two minutes in, I was like, she gets it. This is my kind of dating coach. 00:25:35.81 Dating Coach Erika Uh, 00:25:37.97 nextlevelguypodcast I love how you, it's almost like you're talking to me a lot of times by going, Ian, you're doing that. 00:25:38.28 Dating Coach Erika i mean Thank you. 00:25:44.42 nextlevelguypodcast This is an example, Ian. 00:25:45.43 Dating Coach Erika Yes. 00:25:45.82 nextlevelguypodcast Stop that. And it was that moment of kind of like, yes, OK. And I was like, I'll go do this. And I got back into dating, and I think that's the problem is there's so many apps, there's so many things. you find And you went from finance to dating coach. 00:26:00.44 nextlevelguypodcast The well-known transitional career choice. 00:26:01.04 Dating Coach Erika yeah Oh, yes. 00:26:03.72 nextlevelguypodcast yes But you love have a spreadsheet. 00:26:03.84 Dating Coach Erika Oh, yes. Standard. Standard protocol. 00:26:07.50 nextlevelguypodcast So um I got Mr. Excel and you used it to analyze your results and your conversion rates. 00:26:13.33 Dating Coach Erika yep 00:26:14.06 nextlevelguypodcast so I love that stuff. But how ah from your data, this is so weird, from your data, what apps gives you the best bang for your buck, so to speak? 00:26:16.04 Dating Coach Erika Thanks. 00:26:22.23 Dating Coach Erika Oh, it doesn't matter which apps. You just have to be proactive about whichever ones you're doing. So I see people all the time. 00:26:32.71 Dating Coach Erika Let's use, what well what are you on, Hinge? What's your favorite? 00:26:35.72 nextlevelguypodcast Hinge, bumble, tinder, I suck it all of them at the minute. 00:26:38.26 Dating Coach Erika Okay. 00:26:40.61 Dating Coach Erika Okay, well, let's just use hinge for the sake of example. It doesn't matter which tool you use. You just have to use the tool well. So if I'm coaching someone and I look at their hinge and they're not sending outbound messages, they're not checking their inbound likes, and they're having boring conversations that consist of hi, hey, how are you? How's your day? They're not using the tools to their advantage. 00:27:03.13 Dating Coach Erika I do not care which tools you use. I mean, the most popular generally around the world right now are Bumble and Hinge. So that's what I have 90% of my clients on with the exception of I have some of my older clients on like some of the sites that are geared towards people over 50. 00:27:20.72 Dating Coach Erika But other than that, Bumble and Hinge are pretty popular. Um, Ian, are you ready? I'm ready to hear your, your Hinge profile. 00:27:28.23 nextlevelguypodcast Let's see. 00:27:29.03 Dating Coach Erika Oh boy. 00:27:29.39 nextlevelguypodcast it's I think it's bad. I mean, because let's see. 00:27:35.70 Dating Coach Erika You're really selling yourself. 00:27:37.78 nextlevelguypodcast Oh, no. I changed this recently because I had tried an AI version and I had tried one that I had written previously. 00:27:42.97 Dating Coach Erika Oh boy. 00:27:46.58 nextlevelguypodcast um Let's see. 00:27:46.69 Dating Coach Erika Uh huh. 00:27:53.76 nextlevelguypodcast ah Is it an actual bio and hinge? 00:27:56.67 Dating Coach Erika Okay. It's three, it's three prompts. 00:28:00.46 nextlevelguypodcast um Okay so unusual skills I can llama sheep. 00:28:04.51 Dating Coach Erika You can what? 00:28:05.05 nextlevelguypodcast ah lamb of sheep, like help them give birth. 00:28:07.57 Dating Coach Erika What does that mean? 00:28:10.49 nextlevelguypodcast I grew up in the Highlands, I grew up in the Highlands so we could deal with sheep. 00:28:10.71 Dating Coach Erika Oh my god. 00:28:14.63 nextlevelguypodcast I needed something weird. 00:28:16.11 Dating Coach Erika OK. 00:28:16.45 nextlevelguypodcast A random fact I love is wolves and ravens have been filmed working together to hunt and share food. The raven identify from the air, the wolf kills it and they share the meal. Even the ravens have been shown to play with wolf pups. 00:28:28.67 nextlevelguypodcast I found that quite interesting. 00:28:30.15 Dating Coach Erika Mm-hmm. 00:28:30.73 nextlevelguypodcast And this year I really want to start a relationship and tick things off my to-do list. Oh, I need to change these. This is so old. 00:28:38.30 Dating Coach Erika Okay, so I have feedback. may Do I have permission to give you feedback? 00:28:42.26 nextlevelguypodcast Oh, I think I need it. 00:28:44.68 Dating Coach Erika Okay, so when I hear, even though I didn't know what lambing sheep meant, when I hear that, I am actually, I love animals, don't get me wrong, but I am actually disgusted because I'm now picturing the birth canal of a sheep and I'm picturing it bloody and that's the last thing I want to think about when I'm picturing who I want to go on a first date with. 00:29:04.95 Dating Coach Erika And so I think that's a really cool thing that you enjoy, but I would rather hear that you grew up on a farm, then you know how to birth a lamb because again, I'm now picturing just like the gory, you know, birthing, which I don't want to associate with you at this point. 00:29:05.12 nextlevelguypodcast Yeah. 00:29:22.60 Dating Coach Erika Okay. 00:29:23.74 nextlevelguypodcast Yes. 00:29:23.93 Dating Coach Erika Number two, not dissimilar. Your fact, at least you understood what a random fact is. Um, Your fact has to do with a lot of killing. I didn't catch all of the words, but there was a lot of killing in there. 00:29:36.63 nextlevelguypodcast Yeah, I mean, these are random things at the time. And you can see I've just thrown stuff and not edited a consensual flow. 00:29:39.80 Dating Coach Erika It's okay. It's okay. 00:29:44.17 nextlevelguypodcast It's consistent though. 00:29:45.22 Dating Coach Erika It's okay. So I don't want to picture killing with the person I'm going on a first date with. a I don't want to picture animal killing, human killing. I think it's an interesting fact, and it's cool that you know it, but I don't think it belongs in your profile. 00:29:58.02 Dating Coach Erika And then lastly, the last prompt was extremely generic. And so I think we can do better. So I want us to brainstorm for a minute if you're open to this. 00:30:07.31 nextlevelguypodcast Yeah, let's go for it. 00:30:07.37 Dating Coach Erika And I want you to just list a bunch of stuff you enjoy, stuff you consume. And when I say consume, that could be food, drink, entertainment, movies, music, podcasts. 00:30:17.79 Dating Coach Erika I don't care. I'm going to take some notes. 00:30:19.95 nextlevelguypodcast Yep, so podcasting, Brazilian jiu-jitsu, football, rock music. 00:30:28.03 Dating Coach Erika Mm hmm. 00:30:28.41 nextlevelguypodcast I have tend to love to go and see shows and stuff, but I do that on my own a lot of times. 00:30:32.55 Dating Coach Erika What kind of shows? 00:30:33.43 nextlevelguypodcast um So it's mostly sort of stand-up shows like comedy but also a lot of, you know, like sort of adventure expedition guys, Red Bull people. 00:30:37.75 Dating Coach Erika Oh, nice. 00:30:43.35 Dating Coach Erika Mm hmm. 00:30:46.83 nextlevelguypodcast um But i I really like Tarimahanda, anything and 00:30:49.09 Dating Coach Erika Okay. 00:30:51.60 nextlevelguypodcast originally I used to, I had a version that was talking about if I'm not plucking a guitar, killing a guitar melody, I kind of flowed into the, but it always came out cheesy. 00:31:05.26 Dating Coach Erika Yeah. 00:31:07.98 nextlevelguypodcast It always came out as kind of bleh. 00:31:08.74 Dating Coach Erika Yeah, know I get that. Yeah. 00:31:13.23 nextlevelguypodcast So I struggled to to know myself, to how to sell myself. 00:31:19.21 Dating Coach Erika Mm hmm. Yep. That's what I was saying at the beginning, because there's a fine line. You don't want to be like, I am great. But on the other hand, you have to say a few things you're into. Because right now, I really don't know anything you're into. Clearly, it's not like animals. But Like I just learned a lot more about you in the last two minutes than I did from your profile. So a few of my favorite prompts for hinge are, um, one of these four, they're all pretty much the same. Either my simple pleasures or I go crazy for, or I won't shut up about, or I geek out over. They're all the same and they lend themselves well to a list. So for example, I geek out over, you know, stand up comedy. 00:32:02.87 Dating Coach Erika And then you could put in parentheses like, you know, being a spectator, not a performer. And if you want to use your self-deprecation, you can say no one would want to see that, okay? 00:32:14.06 Dating Coach Erika That would be your type of humor. 00:32:16.08 nextlevelguypodcast Hmm. 00:32:16.03 Dating Coach Erika um jillian jujit Brazilian I would write out that word because BJJ, you don't want it to accidentally look like the sexual thing. 00:32:25.60 nextlevelguypodcast Yes. 00:32:28.51 Dating Coach Erika You know, podcasting, you know, something. playing songs on the guitar that I have no chance of mastering, since you're into the self-deprecation, you can get that into your profile while also explaining things you enjoy. 00:32:42.00 Dating Coach Erika um Another prompt I like is do you agree or disagree that or change my mind about if you have as the kids say hot takes or just like I'm not actual actual controversial opinion, but just like a funny one like a ah Food combination that's not popular or something like that. That would be a really good place where do you agree or disagree that um You know I've done one in the past that said eating salmon or locks on a raisin bagel is delicious because most people would not be into that because the salty and the sweet doesn't matter anyway, so something like that that might actually start a conversation and then you might do there's one one thing you should know about me, you know the one thing you should know about me I grew up in the Highlands on a farm and so I probably know too much about 00:33:33.62 Dating Coach Erika You can even say how to have birth of lamb and, you know, how to trim a tree. I don't know. 00:33:40.60 nextlevelguypodcast Yeah. 00:33:40.49 Dating Coach Erika I'm making things up, but that gives you, you still have personality. It doesn't come off too cheesy, but it shows that you're trying and it's not all blood and gork. 00:33:52.00 nextlevelguypodcast Because that's the thing. it' Sometimes I come in, and I'll change every that one thing on an app, and I'll forget about it for months, and I'll go back into it, and I'll kind of go, OK, I'll change this picture. 00:33:52.76 Dating Coach Erika the 00:34:00.92 nextlevelguypodcast I'll change that. But I don't check some of the stuff. So there's different generations of these messages. And it's probably like see you're saying, somebody's coming along going along and going, what the fuck? 00:34:12.78 nextlevelguypodcast Bloody hell, what's this guy on about? Because I found that Raven fact quite interesting. But I never thought at the time I needed it, 00:34:17.54 Dating Coach Erika Yeah, no, it is interesting, each other when I'm thinking about who I wanna go on a date with. 00:34:19.99 nextlevelguypodcast I needed a new one, but I never thought about how it's actually perceived by someone else. I never thought 00:34:31.37 nextlevelguypodcast Well, I have some unique ones. How do they how do we spread these pictures then? like if yeah If I was talking about Brazilian jiu-jitsu playing the guitar, is it you want to see a picture of some of these things to kind of incorporate or are just random foes? 00:34:49.37 nextlevelguypodcast Because you said it about you know that you want like a full body one. You want this. You don't want just selfies on the same time. 00:34:54.17 Dating Coach Erika and 00:34:56.17 nextlevelguypodcast But how much activity versus natural versus other styles of fours. 00:35:01.94 Dating Coach Erika Yeah, I don't want them to be, yeah, I don't want them to be too staged. You don't need your Brazilian jiu-jitsu. It's plenty to just say you enjoy it. If you wanted a picture of you playing in the guitar, sure, fine. 00:35:10.67 nextlevelguypodcast Yeah. 00:35:13.57 Dating Coach Erika but Basically of the six pictures, the first one should be a nice clear shot of your face. Um, the second one should be a full body. I just want them to look like a representative sample of your life. So maybe you're out with, maybe you're at a comedy club and someone snaps a picture of you there. Maybe I know it's easier said than done. I get it. I know that's why men have so many fish pictures. Cause it's the only time they feel appropriate. Ask me a guy being like broad, take my picture. I get it. It is hard, but. 00:35:41.94 Dating Coach Erika Um, I would say if you're out with friends as, as weird or vain as it might sound, you can be like, dude, I know this is embarrassing, but I really need a hinge picture. Any of your friends would be happy to comply. They might laugh at you, but they'll also comply. 00:35:58.14 nextlevelguypodcast Because that's the thing, isn't it? It's like a lot of guys. It's just, oh, well, that'll do. That looks, OK, we'll take it from there. And I used to always be the guy taking the photos. 00:36:04.39 Dating Coach Erika I know. 00:36:07.33 nextlevelguypodcast So then suddenly, I was just like, oh, right, what to do here? 00:36:09.94 Dating Coach Erika Yeah. 00:36:11.08 nextlevelguypodcast And I remember reading my profile out and showing pictures. And people said, well, that's a terrible picture of you. That's the one you should use. Or that doesn't read. 00:36:17.67 Dating Coach Erika Here, hold it up, let me see. 00:36:20.95 nextlevelguypodcast Well, people are saying like, let's get a hinge open. 00:36:25.05 Dating Coach Erika Let's see what you got going on. I'm totally putting you on the spot. 00:36:28.64 nextlevelguypodcast Ah, go for it. 00:36:30.53 Dating Coach Erika yeah You don't have to if you don't want to. 00:36:34.56 nextlevelguypodcast Why is it not letting me show the photos? 00:36:38.48 nextlevelguypodcast That was one of my... 00:36:41.33 Dating Coach Erika Hard to see, pull it back. 00:36:44.28 nextlevelguypodcast That was one of the photos I had back when I was styling. 00:36:44.25 Dating Coach Erika Okay. 00:36:47.67 Dating Coach Erika All right. 00:36:50.08 nextlevelguypodcast Because I put on a lot of weight over the Covid period and I'm slowly getting it back off. But I i don't feel that confident anymore. m Like there was one with the dog. 00:37:00.61 Dating Coach Erika Yeah, now I understand. 00:37:06.84 nextlevelguypodcast That's so it' was a family dog. at the and So there's 00:37:10.89 Dating Coach Erika As long as your photos are recent, that's the most important. 00:37:14.75 nextlevelguypodcast Well, I've got add ones of the ones there, um just had a one in my jiu-jitsu gi that was slightly old. um And then there's just two kind of headshots. Yeah, when I look at them now, I see how they're not giving anything away. They're not showing the type of person or the activities I do. And that is a big 00:37:36.73 Dating Coach Erika just want to see what you look like. So like I was reviewing a guy's profile recently and it was awful and he had all these like mirror selfies and it was terrible. And I'm like, what are you doing? And he's like, well, he said what you did. He's like, I didn't want to come off too cheesy to corny. And I. 00:37:53.72 Dating Coach Erika You know, it's funny, I came up with the language after, but I wish I had said to him, in your effort to look like you're not trying too hard, it looks like you're not trying. And that's what I want to avoid. 00:38:05.03 Dating Coach Erika I would rather you look like you're trying than not. 00:38:08.40 nextlevelguypodcast And I think that's what I've done 00:38:08.62 Dating Coach Erika Even if it comes out a little bit corny. 00:38:11.59 nextlevelguypodcast I think I've definitely done that before where I kind of ah put so little effort into it and then I come back to it. And and I remember somebody emailed me once and said, your photos are hilarious, but that's not what you're meant to be doing. 00:38:24.50 nextlevelguypodcast And we ended up going on a date because we started a conversation on that. Because I had a photo of me in a whitewater rafting where I had just inhaled a heap of water. 00:38:28.65 Dating Coach Erika Yeah. 00:38:33.22 nextlevelguypodcast I had one in a kilt when i was in my um but I did a skydive wearing a kilt, all those kind of weird things. um I think I need to go back to actually showcasing my personality. How do how do we once we start editing ourselves, how do we start then looking at their profile, analyzing it, seeing who's suitable, understanding like where's the hour? Like, yeah yes, we're attracted to them, but not OK, well, that's not my type. You know, you've said about how we should just approach and go on dates with everybody, remove the story. 00:39:09.73 nextlevelguypodcast How do we get into this and pick the right people, use the filters correctly? How do we how how do we not just click, click, click, but actually pick people who are suitable for us? 00:39:21.01 Dating Coach Erika Yeah. Yeah. It's not lost on me that men are our visual. So of course you're picking people. Of course the first picture is your your first barrier to entry, right? But I encourage everyone not to just choose based on that first picture, but to actually look at the profile and read the whole profile. 00:39:42.76 Dating Coach Erika If something's important to you, like ah i don't know like a particular religion or something, make sure you're looking this stuff up. I don't want you. I get it. Most people are not going to listen and will just choose based on that first picture and look later. I understand that. But I do encourage looking at the whole profile. 00:40:00.42 Dating Coach Erika i think If you're attracted and she seems normal and nice, go for it. And when I say go for it, I don't mean just like, I mean, at least on hinge, write an actual message. hick Don't pick a picture. Pick something she's written. 00:40:16.56 Dating Coach Erika and ask a question about it. So I don't want you to just be liking her hottest picture. That's a no. But it's, oh, you know, it looks like you're climbing, you know, Machu Picchu. I went to Peru in 2019. Did you like it? You know, just something related to something she's written. 00:40:35.42 nextlevelguypodcast Because I would always pick something like that, and then I would ask a question on it. But how much do you go into this? 00:40:39.56 Dating Coach Erika All right. 00:40:43.98 nextlevelguypodcast like How do you know if it's a good opener? Do you have like a kind of test method? 00:40:48.64 Dating Coach Erika Most openers, if you write something like I just said, as basic as it was, that's going to be better than 90% of the messages that women get because they don't get messages. 00:40:48.94 nextlevelguypodcast Or is it which? 00:40:58.55 nextlevelguypodcast Hmm. 00:40:59.72 Dating Coach Erika Most people are so lazy and are just like, like, like, like, liking. And it's frustrating. And that's why I have people write this, what I call hinge cheat sheet, which is basically if someone only likes a picture of yours, have a little canned message you can write to them. 00:41:15.09 Dating Coach Erika about that picture. Oh, thanks for liking that picture. That was at Machu Picchu. Have you ever been? um And so I, any message that's not sexual, that's written in complete words and sentences is going to be better than most every message they get. 00:41:34.04 Dating Coach Erika Trust me, I see a lot of these. 00:41:34.57 nextlevelguypodcast us I mean, that's really helpful to know, because I must be one of the few people who actually reads because I was like picking something off the profile and mentioning it rather than, oh, she's in a bikini. 00:41:41.69 Dating Coach Erika what 00:41:47.92 nextlevelguypodcast I'll pick that photo. 00:41:48.89 Dating Coach Erika right 00:41:49.08 nextlevelguypodcast i'll I much rather, oh, she's hill walk. She's going off to here. or This is my aspirations. But men are obviously visual, where a lot of women, tend into they pick the emotional side of things. 00:41:55.07 Dating Coach Erika but 00:41:57.47 Dating Coach Erika so know 00:42:01.25 nextlevelguypodcast how How do you persuade men to to basically grow up and um do that? Because it's difficult. 00:42:09.63 Dating Coach Erika I can't persuade anyone to do anything. I can encourage, though. I can say that your results are going to be better if you do this. And then, of course, I always get pushback, which is like, I used to do that, but then I wasn't getting responses. So now I just went back to liking pictures. Trying less hard is not going to give you the results you want. That's like if you said, well, I'm not getting any of these jobs. So I'm just going to send a trash resume and see what you're not going to now get your dream job. 00:42:33.51 nextlevelguypodcast But I suppose that comes back to what you said before is when they then come onto your profile, if they're not seeing the real you or the they Ravens killing the wolves and all that, they're going to go, whoa, this is it. 00:42:44.63 Dating Coach Erika sorry 00:42:48.09 nextlevelguypodcast so How then do you look at each person and go, OK, I could see a potential friend out of this, I could, you know, are we keeping it that open or do you just look and go, you know, how how selective in our scrolling do you guys or do you ask them to be a bit more open to give everybody a try rather than the preconceived this is my style? 00:43:10.98 Dating Coach Erika No, you have to be. I mean, you have to be somewhat attracted to someone. I would not go in thinking we're gonna be friends. I wouldn't go in thinking anything. I would go in thinking, yeah, all right, I'll write to her. 00:43:22.70 Dating Coach Erika We don't know what kind of relationship it's gonna be. I hate when people say that. Like, looks like they could be a friend. We don't know. And so I would say, if it's like a, yeah, sure, write a message. 00:43:28.93 nextlevelguypodcast Bye. 00:43:33.16 Dating Coach Erika Because odds are, look, response rates are very low, unfortunately. Odds are you're not gonna get a message back anyway, so why wouldn't you try? 00:43:43.74 nextlevelguypodcast So how would you start that? Like, say if she comes back and says, oh, this was me walking and such and such. 00:43:48.83 Dating Coach Erika Yeah, that's great. 00:43:49.91 nextlevelguypodcast Or how do we start the conversation? but Keep it going to a point of, let's start building a bit of chemistry here. 00:43:55.98 Dating Coach Erika Mm-hmm. 00:43:57.61 nextlevelguypodcast you know how do we But not just become pen pals, but actually move it towards a date. Because too many people, you know, let's change numbers, let's send taxes and before you know it, you've killed all attraction. 00:44:03.22 Dating Coach Erika Yeah. 00:44:08.00 Dating Coach Erika Oh, I agree. 00:44:09.41 nextlevelguypodcast How do you keep it? Because you've said, you know, to use these apps is just to get you to the date. 00:44:14.97 Dating Coach Erika Exactly, yeah. 00:44:15.17 nextlevelguypodcast What is a realistic amount of time, messages, et cetera, that you should be looking up? 00:44:19.84 Dating Coach Erika under a week I would say under a week within a week of mashing and having a conversation I'd like you to line up a date I'm not saying you have to meet within that week but at least be talking about schedules I do recommend arranging the entire date from the dating app so you don't have to exchange phone numbers you don't have to take it off the yeah So much gets lost by the time you exchange numbers, you take it off the app, someone um inevitably drops the ball or says something that gets misconstrued. So my recommendation is you have a few back and forth and then you say something like, I'm really interested, I'm really enjoying our conversation, would you be interested in meeting for whatever, fill in the blank, a coffee, a drink, a walk? Let me know your thoughts. Or I'd love to learn more about you in person if you're open to that. 00:45:07.69 nextlevelguypodcast Because I love it because like in your social media, I love how that there's so many ah great examples of what not to do for guys. 00:45:07.76 Dating Coach Erika It's very simple. 00:45:15.56 nextlevelguypodcast Like your Instagram is a goldmine of. 00:45:15.85 Dating Coach Erika Yeah. 00:45:19.84 nextlevelguypodcast Yes, don't be this guy. Don't be that guy for the love of. 00:45:23.02 Dating Coach Erika pretty much 00:45:24.01 nextlevelguypodcast Don't say that. who are the What are the main red flags that you've kind of noticed or you see clients mentioning where guys, is it that they come with an expectation that if they're taking you out on a date, it means something? 00:45:25.50 Dating Coach Erika yeah 00:45:38.11 nextlevelguypodcast Are we coming that you know we expect sex on the first date? like what What's the kind of worst things or the immediate red flags that guys do in the, hate this pickup phrase, but the text game that can put somebody off you despite the initial attraction? 00:45:56.50 Dating Coach Erika Yeah, I mean the biggest turn-off is bringing up something sexual prematurely before you know someone. That's the biggest turn-off. It's disgusting because most people want some type of physical intimacy in their relationship. 00:46:14.02 Dating Coach Erika And most people are gonna wanna talk about it. Most people are gonna wanna flirt perhaps in that way. But not before they get to know you because here's the thing. If you're doing this to me, you're doing it to everyone. And it looks like you just have no, one, it looks like that's your only goal here. And two, it looks like you have no discretion. Like if somebody, if a guy writes in his profile, you know, my perfect Sunday is brunch, a football ball game and sex. 00:46:40.54 Dating Coach Erika walk because it says to a woman, he'll have sex with anything. 00:46:42.30 nextlevelguypodcast Hmm. Bye. 00:46:45.22 Dating Coach Erika Ew, I don't want to be a part of that. Yet in reality, she probably wants the exact same thing, but not having it listed. 00:46:55.17 nextlevelguypodcast Yeah, you don't need to say it out loud. it can be i always find I always find that strange that guys think that that's attractive. 00:46:58.90 Dating Coach Erika No. 00:47:03.39 nextlevelguypodcast it's And I know that's the question of maturity versus um emotion. and But really, it's like sometimes when I see these like bro guys and finance guys, you just want to say, get a grip. 00:47:15.66 nextlevelguypodcast like money you know but 00:47:16.67 Dating Coach Erika Yeah, get a grip. 00:47:18.00 nextlevelguypodcast money doesn't buy you attraction money you know you're not old things i think there was some girl that said a guy had tried to vemo her for a two drinks he'd bought her because she didn't sleep with him and she was saying the And it was just that moment of like, I apologize for all mankind that this is partly the reason I started the podcast was I was seeing all these pickup guys in the red pill and I was like, no, I want to find how to actually meet people that want committed relationships, that want to be happy together, that don't want to be influenced, you know, they just to actually connect on a real level. 00:47:48.71 Dating Coach Erika Yeah. 00:47:57.98 nextlevelguypodcast And I wasn't seeing that out there. And that's why I'm so glad that there are people like you that can come on. 00:48:01.45 Dating Coach Erika Yeah. I mean, you sound smart to me. You sound very level-headed. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. And I think you have common sense. That will make you appealing to many women. 00:48:18.75 Dating Coach Erika Because unfortunately, a lot of people lack that. If you just treat people as treat people as people as you would want to be treated with respect, you're going to go further than a lot of people. but As women, we're not looking for anything particularly that special or that out of the ordinary. We're looking for common respect, appreciation, normal things. Unfortunately, that becomes rarer and rarer sometimes. 00:48:49.12 nextlevelguypodcast definitely in today's society of the instant gra gratification. I mean, how then do you systemize the dates? 00:48:53.33 Dating Coach Erika Yeah. 00:48:57.28 nextlevelguypodcast Because you like having funnels and you know so you're using the filters and funneling them into things with template replies, et cetera. But how do you set up dates? Are you looking at coffee dates? 00:49:08.55 nextlevelguypodcast Are you looking at active dates, short dates, that sort of thing? 00:49:09.69 Dating Coach Erika Oh. 00:49:11.64 nextlevelguypodcast How do we how do you plan the logistics of a date, as as beautiful as that sounds? 00:49:13.32 Dating Coach Erika Hmm. 00:49:18.58 Dating Coach Erika No, it does. I always recommend something on the shorter side that you can always add more time if you want, but you're not stuck. So if you plan for dinner, you're stuck at dinner. 00:49:29.72 Dating Coach Erika You don't know if the service is going to be good. 00:49:30.04 nextlevelguypodcast Yeah. 00:49:31.58 Dating Coach Erika What if you don't like each other? I'd rather you plan a coffee, a drink, whatever kind of drink, alcohol or otherwise, a walk, just something. I personally like a drink date. 00:49:42.70 Dating Coach Erika i think it's That's what I usually recommend. If people drink alcohol, it's easy enough. A bar setting is nice because you can sit next to each other instead of across. So it doesn't really feel like an interview. And then if you're enjoying yourself, you can either go somewhere else or order food there if they serve food and it's, you sort of have an out, but you can stay longer if you're enjoying yourself. So yeah, also I don't want it to be the most expensive first date ever. It's just a first date. It shouldn't break the bank. One drink, two drinks is plenty. 00:50:14.08 nextlevelguypodcast And do you have topics to talk about or do you have ways for somebody to mentally prepare themselves? Do do you have the kind of, because I see people interview dates and I'm like, but you know, speak to them like a human being, like 00:50:29.29 Dating Coach Erika I know, seriously. um I would rather you just talk about who you both are today, so keep things light, keep things present, you know, similar to the stuff I was asking you, like food, drink, entertainment, movies, music, podcasts, 00:50:45.81 Dating Coach Erika and TV things like that like who are you today? I would highly recommend not talking about anything too serious Definitely not past relationships. Definitely not family drama, you know stuff like that. 00:50:58.10 Dating Coach Erika You don't have to reveal everything You don't just disclose your whole life to somebody right? I just want you talking about like things that make you happy See if you have any common ground see if you can sustain a conversation 00:51:02.84 nextlevelguypodcast so 00:51:09.73 Dating Coach Erika That's really it. I would rather you leave a first date having learned nothing factual about someone but remembering that you laughed and felt good about yourself and had a nice time and might want to see this person again. That's it. I don't care how many siblings they have. I don't care about their, you know, torn relationship with their mother. It's not relevant. 00:51:28.07 nextlevelguypodcast I've had people tell me about those kind of things and I've just like, 00:51:30.59 Dating Coach Erika Oh, we all have. I get it. 00:51:32.22 nextlevelguypodcast yeah 00:51:32.56 Dating Coach Erika And look, if someone starts revealing too much, I'm not telling you to stop them. In fact, I want to hear what they have to say because so much in the early stages, it's just observing. 00:51:43.94 Dating Coach Erika If someone bad mouths an ex, I'm not going to stop them. I want to hear what they have to say. But I also know that's not somebody you necessarily want to go out with again, because if they're going to bad mouth the ex to you, a stranger, what are they going to say about you one day to a stranger? 00:52:01.12 nextlevelguypodcast yeah It's what they say, past behaviour is a good indicator of future behaviour. And if that's how little they think it was somebody they loved, then what they could be like with just the date. 00:52:10.91 Dating Coach Erika I don't even know if I can, I mean maybe past behavior is and indicative indicative of future behavior, but not even that. It's like what they choose to talk about to represent themselves I think says a lot more than other things. 00:52:24.01 nextlevelguypodcast And then, so how do you review a date? How, you know, I mean, do we look at it terms of how, because you've got a great series of prompts on your so ah your social media, but could you go into a little bit about like, how do we and when do we review after a date? 00:52:32.83 Dating Coach Erika you me 00:52:40.11 nextlevelguypodcast Is it the next day? Do we look at how they made us feel? Can we see ourselves with them? Was there, was there and attraction? What kind of things do we include? 00:52:50.69 Dating Coach Erika I wouldn't even analyze it to that extent. I would just think to myself, am I curious to have one more conversation with this person? If yes, go on second date or ask them out on second date. If no, don't. That's it. Let's boil it down to something really simple. Do I want to have one more conversation? 00:53:09.56 nextlevelguypodcast And how difficult do you find because you're the queen of the pans? How difficult do you find going on dates without using pans? 00:53:18.06 Dating Coach Erika Oh, I can't get through, actually I got through most of this interview without using a pun, so congratulations to me. 00:53:24.57 nextlevelguypodcast I was quite disappointed. I was waiting for it because there's what. 00:53:26.70 Dating Coach Erika I'm actually, I'm disappointed in myself, I'm disappointed in myself, but now I'm on the spot, so I can't do it. 00:53:30.51 nextlevelguypodcast What? Well, that was going to be one of my questions was, now you've looked at my dating profile and I'm thinking what you could have said. what Because I think that like that is something that comes across is you're warm, friendly, bubbly, that you say it as it is, you connect, but you're also, yeah all your passions come through you when you're speaking. 00:53:55.83 Dating Coach Erika Are we talking about me or you? 00:53:57.48 nextlevelguypodcast sorry, were you. And I find that brilliant that I know you from listening to episodes on your social media, for podcasts. 00:53:58.91 Dating Coach Erika Oh, that's nice of you. 00:54:05.15 Dating Coach Erika Oh. 00:54:06.44 nextlevelguypodcast I i know that you are the you behind the screen. 00:54:09.72 Dating Coach Erika Oh, that's so nice. 00:54:10.46 nextlevelguypodcast and you know i find But you spend a lot of guys that turn up and you're like, are you girls? 00:54:11.36 Dating Coach Erika Thank you. 00:54:15.74 nextlevelguypodcast And you go, that's not who I was dating. Or that's not the person that they came across in the game. 00:54:17.56 Dating Coach Erika Hmm. 00:54:20.34 nextlevelguypodcast And I find that it's quite funny. It's like, We play characters behind the scenes, but that you're quickly going to get found out. and i I quickly lose attraction if there's only looks. I need more than I need kind ah connection. and ah sometimes I think I do probably need a dating coach to be honest. i what would you 00:54:42.71 Dating Coach Erika Well, I hear there is a good one in New York who you can work with over Zoom. So no, but I agree with you. I think a lot of people sometimes try to portray themselves in such a way to attract a certain type of person. But the reality is we don't know what the type of person you're looking for is looking for. So the best thing you can do is just be yourself. It's going to turn on the right people and it's going to turn off the right people. 00:55:05.68 nextlevelguypodcast Well, as you can see, that a lot of men don't know what they're doing. you know they have the s jet They have various insertions of different things that they've found out, etc. 00:55:09.26 Dating Coach Erika Oh, I know. 00:55:13.06 Dating Coach Erika Yep, yep. 00:55:15.36 nextlevelguypodcast How do we work with a dating coach? How do we become a good student? 00:55:18.42 Dating Coach Erika A good question. um Well, you are already a good student. I love that you did your due diligence. So I'm always flattered when someone knows about me. So thank you for that. I appreciate it. Like you said, I post a lot of information on Instagram, but you can find me anywhere online at a little nudge Instagram, my website, just dating coach Erica, a little nudge, you'll find me. 00:55:44.01 Dating Coach Erika I do coaching and it's all over Zoom. And the beautiful thing is I can have you share your phone screen with me over Zoom. So we can actually look at your profile together in real time, make edits together in real time, and then write to people together. And so the goal for every coaching session I do is just really is is efficiency to teach you the tools so that you can ultimately do do it better on your own. 00:56:11.00 nextlevelguypodcast And what would you want guys to take from this? like If there was a certain message you wanted people to remember, you know is there a summary or something that if you wanted them to be better at online dating, attraction, and you know how would what would you want them to remember from this interview? 00:56:31.49 Dating Coach Erika I mean, I think I already said it. Stop talking about sex. Stop saying good morning every morning to somebody you don't know. Stop saying, how's your day? How's it going? How are you? Enough with the shirtless selfies. Treat people how like humans how you would want to be treated and just be like, 00:56:48.02 Dating Coach Erika ah thoughtful person who puts in the work and you will go far. 00:56:53.80 nextlevelguypodcast And what's your favorite thing about coaching? because how do And how do you find the transition from coach to businesswoman to build the brand, et cetera? 00:56:57.41 Dating Coach Erika Oh, I like both. Um, yeah, I mean, I've had my business almost 14 years. It's very rewarding to run your own business and not have a boss and I have an idea I can implement it immediately like I used to be an economist and so I still love that like you know I love looking at my my revenue and you know my just like my business documents and everything um but the coaching is obviously rewarding it's frustrating in many ways but it's obviously rewarding too like yesterday for example I was on with a guy 00:57:39.52 Dating Coach Erika Where does he live? I think in the San Francisco Bay area. And he has a second date tonight. And it's his first second date in a long time. And he told me he basically rattled off verbatim, some advice I had given him. um One big one was, you know, I tell everyone to say when they're setting up a date, it's a date. And he said he was so nervous to say that, because like I was saying earlier, people get really nervous about the word date for some unknown reason. Like, it's too serious. 00:58:08.27 Dating Coach Erika And she came back and said, it's a date, can't wait. And he was so happy. And other little things, like he sent her a confirmation text, like I always recommend, looking forward to seeing you tomorrow at seven, you know, instead of, are we still on? And it's so rewarding when I can give the advice, they use it immediately and then tell me that it worked. There's no better feeling than that. 00:58:31.99 nextlevelguypodcast Because I remember you said somewhere you'd rather lose all your clients to know because they've gone on and met their person in relationships. 00:58:35.95 Dating Coach Erika Of course. 00:58:38.89 nextlevelguypodcast And I think that's a great thing about dating coaches. You're not trying to keep repeating. You're just like, I want to see you succeed. 00:58:43.68 Dating Coach Erika so 00:58:45.28 nextlevelguypodcast Have you got a favorite client transformation, like ah a favorite client story? 00:58:49.83 Dating Coach Erika um Yeah, it was probably eight years ago young woman early 30s wasn't sure whether she was open to dating men with children or not But um we found someone online a guy who I found someone for her who looked great and And she was like, I don't know, he looks nerdy. He did see that. And I said, just go on a date. It's one date. Anyway, she goes on the date. She's still not sure. I said, okay, well, if you're not sure, go out again. Just see. I don't know. It's okay if it's a no, but don't cut it off prematurely. Anyway, then we sort of, I don't know, I lost touch with her for, you know, I guess we were done working together. A year later or so, she sends me a text that's a picture of her with the guy and the guy's son and the keys to the house they bought. 00:59:37.05 nextlevelguypodcast awesome 00:59:38.12 Dating Coach Erika And that felt really good because every time she was on the fence before, she was leaning to no. And I pushed her that every time she was on the fence, lean to yes. Even if it's ultimately a no, we're not promising anyone anything. 00:59:51.16 Dating Coach Erika We're just giving ourselves a chance. 00:59:53.99 nextlevelguypodcast awesome well i cannot thank you enough for coming 00:59:56.08 Dating Coach Erika Oh my God, this was so fun. 00:59:58.25 nextlevelguypodcast It's so much enjoyed. I wish we could have more time to go through all my profiles and you could see see how bad I put them up because I'm just getting back into this and I think I have needed desperate help. 01:00:01.82 Dating Coach Erika Oh, me too. 01:00:08.13 Dating Coach Erika Okay. 01:00:11.09 nextlevelguypodcast So we've got to do a round two and look into other things, but I know we're over our time. 01:00:14.81 Dating Coach Erika Oh, 01:00:15.03 nextlevelguypodcast How would you want people to get in touch? Are you taking on clients? Is there anything that, you know, TED Talks, have you got a book deal coming out because you deserve it all? 01:00:24.79 Dating Coach Erika oh I appreciate that. I do have another book in me, but not yet. Um, again, anywhere a little nudge online, um, I offer You'll see my service offerings on my website, basically two services. ah One is, you'll see, it's doing online dating with you or for you. You can always, I give everyone if they want a free 20-minute consultation just to talk about how we might wanna work together. But but yeah, um again, I'm very easy to find. 01:00:52.70 nextlevelguypodcast power. but